Infantile Paralysis, or New Motherhood Gone Bad

Email problems

2008-07-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you are someone I email, I have lost all the addresses from my email account. In fact, my email account itself is missing in action. So please send me a message through comments on blogger (which are moderated by me and won't appear unless I allow them to, so they are safe to leave your email address on) or on multiply as a personal message (which is not published except to me).

Sorry for the inconvenience.

The End of the Line

2008-07-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'll maintain this blog for a while but I'm not going to cross-post to here anymore from Multiply. If you are someone I know, email me if you want to be added to the contacts list. If you're not, well, you'll be excluded from the blog. I find that it's mostly all just contacts who look at the blog anyway so this shouldn't impact most readers. Not that I have tons. All the previous posts on Multiply will still be there but future posts will be contacts-only.

Thanks for reading. Have a pleasant tomorrow.

Livestrong! or, A Dubious Honor

2008-07-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

So last Sunday – among the hottest days of the year thus far, naturally – was the Livestrong Challenge. Last year they held it in September and it rained the whole day long, and was cold, and they were concerned with hypothermia and people slipping and falling on railroad tracks and the like. This year they were the hydration Gestapo, and anytime a body paused at the side of the road, say on a hill toward the end of the ride when they were perhaps a bit winded and weary, passing medics and ride marshals viewed such persons with great suspicion and demanded to know if they were all right and had they been drinking enough water and did they need help?

That being said, it was a fantastic ride, hot but still fantastic. Lots of money was raised for cancer research and support and there were tons of enthusiastic volunteers and personnel to make sure every rider got what they needed.

I was riding with an unnamed friend who unfortunately is a bit sensitive to heat and removed themselves from the ride around mile 32. I later found them (gender and identity concealed: you did an awesome job! Next year we will kick this ride’s ass!) in the medic tent being cooled with ice-watered towels and ice packs, and they perked up nicely after a half hour or so with no lasting ill effects save some fatigue. I feel very fortunate to have had this person’s company for much of the ride. For the record, they raised much more for the cause than I did.

So anyway, last year I nicknamed a friend, in good fun, “Wussy McFairweatherpants” for bailing on the ride due to rain. It happens I love to ride in most weather so long as I do not get super cold or super hot, and I don’t appear to have sensitivities either way. I love to ride in the rain. But, I know a lot of people don’t. And I love to ride in the heat, although forty miles was a bit long for my tastes (and my, ahem, seatbones) considering I hadn’t ridden more than one 11-mile jaunt since last fall.

But! Lest you all think that everything goes well for me at all times, and if you’ve read most of my blog you know damn well that it doesn’t, I should out myself as… well… mechanically disadvantaged. Or perhaps technically disinclined. Maybe, equipmentally challenged? I’m not the sort of person who knows how to, or wants, really, to service my own bicycle/car/motorcycle/what the hell ever. This is why the credit card and the cell phone were invented, and now I hope you’re all happy that my lesbian card is going to be revoked as soon as admin gets wind of this. Next I’ll be frequenting the Clinique counter and eschewing flannel.

So, one whole tenth of a mile into the ride, Stupidhead McEquipmentfailurepants over here found that her front derailleur was malfunctioning. Recent events being as they have been, I haven’t exactly been Johnny-at-the-rathole maintaining my bicycle as I should have been, and dammit it worked just fine last time I rode! So, my anonymous friend and I were forced to flag a sag wagon (minvan manned by a radio geek and a first aid provider). Our bikes were loaded up on the top rack and we took the Drive of Shame to the first rest stop/first aid tent/repair station of the ride to have my stupid bike looked at. I believe we were the first to ride in a sag wagon on this ride. Other riders looked on in disbelief, and at least one was overheard remarking to another, “Must suck to be them.” Our intrepid sag-wagoneers were extremely nice, if not too sure where to take us or how to get there. At one point I leaned forward and told the driver (jokingly, of course) that it was a real confidence-builder for me when he repeatedly activated the windshield wipers. I think he was trying to turn on the headlights (obviously a high priority at 8am on a sunny summer morning). So, we were ferried to the stop and my bike was adjusted for me by a very nice mechanic. Thusly it must be confessed that we rode only 1/10^th of a mile of the first 5-mile leg, and so I rode only 35.1 miles all told.

It had been my intent to ride the 70-mile loop but the hills are intimidating and with nursing school, The Finger of Doom ™, and domestic unrest, the training necessary just didn’t take place.

My friend and I decided we’d come back next year and just kick this ride’s ass, then after that progress to the 70-miler.

LIVESTRONG Challenge: HELP!

2008-06-23T03:08:00.000-07:00

All right, here's the deal. The Livestrong Challenge is this coming Sunday and I desperately need sponsors.

What with recent events and all, I have been rather lax in both training and fundraising. As a result of not training, I won't be able to ride the 70-mile course as I had hoped. (Sorry, Stacey, my butt won't hurt quite as much just for you -- but it will still be sore!)

I can easily change my registration to the 40-mile course, but -- there is a $250.00 minimum fundraising goal that must be met or I will not be permitted to ride at all They are quite serious about their fundraising, these Livestrong people.

I very much want to ride in this, for many reasons, primarily to raise the funds, but also because I love to ride and want to ride with my friend Annette very much. I don't have the funds to just fill in the missing amount as I did last year (well I could fill in SOME, but not the whole thing) ,so I'm counting on alla youse to pony up! Even five bucks will help me make this goal!

And holy crapples, people, it's for a totally good cause. Right now even my dog has cancer. It touches us all.

If you have a minute, and a few bucks, kindly visit this website and put your money in the virtual waistband of my sweaty Lycra shorts. You'll be glad you did!

The Brown Stuff, Oh How It Flies

2008-06-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

And verily it doth disperse when it hitteth the fan.

First, the good news. I got my grades, and rather than the B and B+ that I was expecting, I found a B+ and an A! Yay me! ... Not that I really deserve either one, but I'll take 'em.

In other news. I'll be moving soon. To mother's. How humbling is that. But, I need to get through nursing school, and that's the way to do it. I anticipate a long year and a half of fossil-fuel consumption, as mother does live a tidy hour away from school, but free childcare and help with the rent is not something to be passed up (in favor of extreme poverty and the kindness of strangers, as that would be the only other avenue in view at this time).

That's about all I'm going to say about this for now.

That being said... Many thanks to my mother and to the many friends and family members who are so supportive of me. I will dedicate my RN to all of you.

Drunken blogging

2008-06-19T03:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this isn't drunken because it's two days after the fact, but do let's describe the revelry that took place post-finals.

Oh first of all the final on Tuesday was painful. For reasons I do not care to go into, I did not study much, and so I was already feeling ill-prepared. As usual I was the first one done and lucky me, the results are displayed on-screen when the exam is completed -- I walked out feeling pretty dismal with a 75 percent. Yes, friends and neighbors, seventy-five percent. This gives me a B in the class, I'm pretty sure.

But within a few minutes I was joined at the snack bar counter, where I lingered waiting to see how others did, and found that I did no worse than the vast majority of my classmates. And better even than a few. While I certainly did not want others to do as poorly as I did, it was nice to know that I was no worse off than most.

Off to meet a friend for a quick cuppa, then onward to my class's chosen gathering place, Overpriced Forcedly-Stereotypedly-Ethnic Chain Restaurant. Let happy hour commence! The next two hours found roughly half my class congregating for margaritas, beer, and cheap nachos. Also much loud conversation and candid photo-taking, and enthusiastic toasting of the fact that we are all one-third nurse. Yay!

From there a select group of us moved on to the Freaky Frawg, where we were disappointed to learn that karaoke takes place only on weekends. Okay, truthfully, I was not disappointed, but after two margaritas and two beers (and a designated driver; my car remained at the OFSECR) I was cheefully willing to go where the party was, once we had consumed a couple more pitchers of beer. Seriously, thank God I was among friends.

Next stop, after yet more friends joined us, was to move on to White Trash Dive Bar where karaoke is featured every night of the week. More pitchers, serving wench, and keep it coming! My housemate is the karaoke expert and immediately signed up for various songs. There are many candid photos of her and my other classmates singing, dancing, and generally carrying-on. Not so much of me as I got up from the table only to use the restroom.

Friends, I started this party at 4:30pm.

I got home at 1:30am.

I was never falling down drunk but I would have been had I not switched to Co-Cola at about midnight.

To my vast and undeserved credit, I did not get up and embarrass myself with a microphone. Also, my clothes stayed on, I slept in my own bed, and I didn't have any new tattoos or piercings when I woke up.

I did get in a certain amount of trouble at home, but was cut considerable slack owing to the fact that it was the end of the term and also because my clothes stayed on, I slept in my own bed, and I didn't have any new tattoos or piercings when I woke up.

Yesterday was spent running around taking care of some Vegas-related errands (signing papers etc and driving same papers to a friend who was stuck at work and then back to the club officers -- nice of them to emphasize how if we couldn't attend the meeting, we should make other arrangements ahead of time), also taking headache remedies and feeling queasy at times.

And that, my friends, is how I began my summer vacation. :)

One down

2008-06-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

Final no. 1 is over with and I got an 89-point-something.

I will either get a very low A (unlikely) or a B+ (probably) or maybe even a B (let's hope for the B+).

Either way I done reasonably good. :) Yay me!

A brief, alcohol-related survey (painless and fun!)

2008-06-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

Okay my friends, do me a quick favor.

Tomorrow evening I'm attending a post-finals get-together (translation: gathering at bar for express purpose of consuming many, many alcoholic beverages) for the quarter ahead of mine in nursing school. I may be attending this one in lieu of my own because I want to go for a bike ride on Tuesday which is when mine is happening.

The question has been posed to me: should we get a cab, or can I drive?

Okay, so I do have one more final the next day at 2pm. I can't get too stupid because I should really be up at a decent hour to study the next day. Theoretically this means I could control myself a bit and be the designated driver. But.... if we got a cab, then I could get a lil' tipsy.

Decisions, decisions.

Help me out here, peeps. Give me your take on it in the comments.

Yeah, Happy Father's Day, or something

2008-06-15T04:45:00.000-07:00

Actually, a VERY happy Father's Day to my friends and family who are good fathers.

To my own Dad, well, you'd be getting a card if a) I knew where to send it -- you haven't called since moving to the East Coast (remember when you called me up to tell me you were moving? Good times, Dad!), and b) they made cards that said things like:

Happy Father's Day to the guy who weaseled out of most of his court-mandated child support,
declined to help pay for my orthodontia ("She doesn't need braces." Wow! I had no idea you were an orthodontist on the side!),

has usually lived hundreds if not thousands of miles away,

has pictures of his wife's grandkids all over the house but not one photo of my child or my brother's sons,

breezes through town expecting me to drop everything, sometimes on literally a few minutes' notice, to accomodate him for meals or even a place to stay,

has missed my daughter's birthdays (all four of them so far; you are 4 and 0! Keep up the good work!),

shot my grandmother's emotionally traumatized rescued poodle dog to death rather than take it to a vet and get it some tranquilizers when it was distraught because she was gone for a few days,
tried to fob his own horrible evil little dog off on Grandma when he decided to move away and were worried he wouldn't tolerate the trip well (why didn't you just shoot him too?),

drove up from San Diego to visit other relatives but failed to mention it to me, despite the fact that I hadn't seen you in a couple of years (I retaliated in kind a few years later when I flew to Washington DC for a week and never told you, because I didn't feel like blowing one or more nights on having dinner with you and your awful wife),

gave my brother a gun for Christmas but gave me nothing,

and still occasionally has the nerve to complain that nobody calls him.

As soon as they start making that card, Dad, you'll get one from me.

Vegas, baby! Yeah!

2008-06-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

So I finally found out today that I'm going to Vegas! For a nursing symposium! As is my housemate and my mentor/adopted step-twin and a bunch of other people.

YAY!

And, Euphemism College is picking up the tab! Well, most of it. All but fifty bucks, plus I think we have to find our own dinners or something. But the college is paying for the airfare, the hotel rooms, the symposium, etc. For 24 of us! Plus two advisors! Now that's a lotta cashbucks.

Anyhoo, I'm stoked about going. I've never been to Vegas. :) I plan to spend a lot of time wandering around like an open-mouthed rube from the puckerbrush, except cleaner and not as vulnerable to pickpockets.

Which reminds me of this one time in Madrid (not at band camp, however) when my Mom and I were walked into La Plaza Mayor and these gypsy women (real authentic gypsies, and they looked the part) got between us and one of them got her hands right into my Mom's purse and onto her wallet. I saw it and hollered and she yanked her hands away, and then those women just melted into the crowd, but not before the one with the hands on Mom's purse locked eyes with me for just a split second and gave me this funny little smile, like, Well done for a tourist moron.

Anyway: Yay! Vegas!

At Long Last

2008-06-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

I am free of clinicals. Yes, finally the Skool-B-Gon is working (thank God we got the dosage correct at last) and in just a few more days, I'll be done with finals and free to loaf all summer.

Ha! Ha! Ha! I mean work nearly full time. And clean my filthy home. And spend as much quality time with my child as possible. And not kill anybody out of sheer frustration.

Can't I just maim them a little? I mean, I know killing is illegal and wrong and bad, also punishable by death in some cases, but maiming, surely that's permissable in extenuating circumstances? Just sayin'.

It's not looking good

2008-06-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

First off I had to drop a cool eleven hundred bucks on the car today, and it won't even be repaired until Thursday at the earliest.

But worse than that, Hopie is not doing well. Tonight J called me at work and asked if we had any aspirin, because Hope is walking funny, her back legs don't seem to be working in sync with her front ones, and she is curving her back up when she walks, and J wanted to give her something to make her feel better. She had put in a call to her sister the vet but hadn't yet gotten ahold of her. What eventually happened was that her sister called her back and told her aspirin would be okay but prednisone would be even better.

Okay, how weird is this. Prednisone is not something we typically have in the house but last month I got sick and went to urgent care because I felt just so spectacularly shitty, and among the things they sent home with me was prednisone. Which I almost didn't get the prescription filled, and then didn't even end up taking because the next morning I started to feel the tiniest bit better and just didn't feel like dealing with the hassle of it all. (Yes, I'm going to be a nurse and I'm a lousy patient.)

So J has given her some prednisone per her sister's advice, and the latest update I have is that Hopie has barely moved all evening.

J's sister also had her look in Hope's eyes, and the bad news is that one pupil is fixed and dilated. Her sister fears that this means the cancer has infiltrated Hope's brain, which is what I feared when J first called me tonight, and I am pretty sure that when J takes Hope to her sister's it won't be for surgery, it will be for euthanasia.

Oh, Hopie. We barely knew ye.

It's been a rough week and no mistake

2008-06-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

So, got my second day of clinicals in a row over with. It was really quite nice, I worked with the same two patients as the day before, both of whom I really liked. It's a relief to get caught up, and now I have only one clinical day to go, along with review sessions during my classes and two skills to sign off on in the lab. Then finals! And summer! Yay!

That being said, plenty of fecal matter hit the fan this week, mostly in the past couple of days.

Our dog Hope, the smaller, sneakier and higher-strung of our two, ate the last pull-up of Delia's diaper-wearing career and gave herself a delightful intestinal blockage and subsequent inflammation. Vet appointment, x-ray, Zantac, etc etc. She's over that but still wasn't eating, so we took her back to the vet, who then found a lump in her neck. He took a biopsy and today we got the call: yes, it's cancerous. Adenocarcinoma of the thyroid. He informs us that surgery is in order and chemo is usually indicated, and it's best handled by a specialist.

Realistically? We can't afford a specialist. It cost us four hundred dollars that we already couldn't really spare just to get to this point. The dog is nine years old, and J doesn't want to put her through chemo. We'll take her to J's sister, who is a vet and also the source of every sad-sack special-needs animal in our house, for surgery, and whatever will be, will be.

Cut to me feeling like a jerk for not loving this dog for all the nine years I've lived with her. I do love her, she's not a bad dog, but I am not so much a dog person and I haven't been the loving, devoted owner to her. Now that she's feeling poorly and the future doesn't look so bright, I regret the way I've treated her. :( She deserves better than this.

Then, just to drive the whole point home, my engine light came on a few days ago and we dutifully took it to the dealership to get it diagnosed. Yeah. The other call we got today. Catalytic converter is dying a horrible death. There goes another seven hundred dollars or so.

Okay, okay, I get it already. The world is a cruel place and fate is a harsh mistress. Enough already.

Who's a Good Little Bicyclist?! I AM!

2008-06-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I hauled my fat ass out of mothballs and went on a bike ride this evening. It had been since like last fall. Let it never be so long again. I had such fun and it felt so good.

Here's what makes this very funny:

My friend Wussy McFairweatherpants, who bailed on me last fall on the Livestrong ride because it was raining (but who in fairness did warn me that she might, and it really was raining all day), drove for 20 miles, through rush hour traffic, having left at 4pm to be there by 6pm to get to the start of the ride, and arrived only to find that she'd left her front wheel in the garage. She has one of those roof racks that you take the front wheel off your bike and when she loaded it up, she just neglected to put the wheel in the car.

Oops. Bet from now on she puts the front wheel in the car FIRST.

So we gave her bushel baskets of crap about this, which she took very stoically, and then we left on our ride. Two ride leaders, a few women I didn't know, and Wussy's friend who I'd just met that evening.

Lo and behold, it began to rain. At maybe the half mile mark, maybe even less, the leaders pulled the ride over and said, if you're gonna bail from the weather, do it now. No shame, no harm, no foul, it's raining. Go home if you're gonna. About half the riders did so, leaving me, Wussy's friend, and one other woman. (BTW it's a "ladies" ride) Off we went, riding nearly twelve miles in what was occasionally some fairly comprehensive rain, other times mere drizzle, even completely drying up altogether once in a while. I'd say it rained about 3/4 of the time. Wussy's friend and I both stuck with it, in part just so we could lord it over Wussy.

Annette, if you're reading this, I'm just kidding about calling you Wussy and I'm really looking forward to seeing you and your bike and BOTH of its wheels next week. :) You rock!

Finger of Doom

2008-05-31T18:39:00.000-07:00

So the Finger of Doom lives on. I've been in occupational therapy for it, and I don't do the exercises enough, so finally the therapist (or terrorist) told me I was losing my window of opportunity and if I didn't get on the stick here, I wouldn't be getting the function back like I should. Then after making me cry (not really), he gave me some "Theraputty" to work with and set me loose.

A week later I returned and thoroughly impressed him with increased range of motion etc etc (entirely undeserved).

I still have a certain amount of swelling in that finger, and I have to wear a little homemade Coban (that stretchy wrap that looks like an Ace bandage but sticks to itself) support-hose stocking on it. I ran out of the brown kind and when I went to get more, they only had white or purple. So I got purple. Yay me!

Check it out!

2008-05-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

My first ever video, over in the videos tab. Woot!

Birthday Girl

2008-05-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

So, Delia's fourth birthday is next Monday. Last Sunday we had a family party for J's side, a joint party for Delia and two cousins who have birthdays on either side of hers. It was the usual mayhem -- six kids ages 8 and under, four of whom are girls ages 4 and under. Lots of fun.

Fortunately but unfortunately, one of the aunts gave Delia a Playmobil Noah's Ark. The minute she opened that thing, she became a giant pain in the ass. She wanted so bad to go play with it by herself. She refused to go outside, she protested loudly if anyone else wanted to touch it, she didn't want to do anything but play with that toy. Alone. Right now.

Nonetheless, we all survived, and here are a few pics:

The birthday girl with an apron set given to her by our housemate.
Delia puffy hearts the cake, featuring "sea creatures" that she picked out herself.

Blowin' out the candles!

She knows her letters!

2008-05-21T15:33:00.000-07:00

So this evening after dinner we had a tiny spot of ice cream. There wasn't much, so when Delia wanted more we told her she could write it on the list (a dry-erase board on the fridge) and then we would get more when we went shopping. So, she got up there and started. I told her which letters to write, and only had to help her on the "R".

Ladies and gents, I proudly present to you:

Deluge

2008-05-20T13:26:00.001-07:00

So it got ridiculously hot the past few days and we fired up Ye Olde Aire Conditioner it worked like a champeen.

And then I went out to get something out of the car on like the second day of the miniature heat wave, and saw two tiny dabs of water peeping out from beneath the garage door.

Huh.

So I opened up the garage door and there, sheeting across the floor and inconveniently passing under the enormous pile of now-sodden future garage sale items, ran the water.

Um.... damn.

Luckily, J's brother The Amazingly Handy Guy happened to be coming to our house, and he crawled around a bit and diagnosed the problem. Remember the little rat problem? Yeah. As if taking up residence in our foundation and crapping everywhere wasn't enough, the little buggers had to go and chew up the hose that drains the water away from the a/c. I don't feel so bad now about the fact that we had to get an exterminator to, uh, exterminate them (at significant personal expense, and only after unsuccessful attempts to humanely relocate them ourselves).

TAHG patched up the hole with some hose he found at Goodwill and a couple of hoseclamps. Problem solved. Wonder if he'd like to stay on and sift through the pile of dampened junk to see what's salvageable?

Deluge

2008-05-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

Beware

2008-05-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

From the fine folks who brought you Noassitol

2008-05-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

Imaginary Buttcheeks Redux

2008-05-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have written before about my brother's legendary lack of hindquarter. See, for instance, this post. The part about his behind is down a ways in a description of our trip to the state fair.

So when my friend Liz sent me this link, I knew just whom to send it to, with a note that if he ordered now he might be able to get some in time for Mother's Day (as a sort of gift to his wife, you see).

I received the following reply:

"It's a MEDICAL CONDITION, for Pete's sake.

It even has a name, DGS.  Diminished Gluteal Syndrome.
And it's an ORTHOTIC."

I was then forced to email back: 

"I hear there's a new medication you can take for it.  It's called Noassitol."

Come on down

2008-04-30T11:28:00.001-07:00

I'm really over at http://impetua.multiply.com/ these days. I still post to this blog but edits and comments from multiply don't make it over here.

High maintenance

2008-04-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

So this afternoon I coordinated a trip to the library with Delia. She's been out of preschool and soccer since getting so sick, and due to a little mishap today (Me: "Hey did you get Delia off to preschool this morning?" J: "No, today's Monday." Me: "No.... today's Tuesday." J: "Oh CRAP!") she didn't go again, so I thought, I should take the poor tyke to the library.

Yeah.

So after asking her like fifty times to put on her shoes and socks, I was starting to get frustrated, and evidently it was apparent to her because then we had the following exchange. Bear in mind that she is three years old.

Delia: Mama, are you having kind of a bad day?
Me (laughing a little): Am I?
Delia: Yeah. See, what you need to do is relax.

What really made it funny was J snickering loudly and then busting out into belly laughs from down the hall. Part of why I was frustrated was a miscommunication about whether she was going with us to the library, and I had been sort of on the warpath about how I'd been waiting around for her and now it was getting late. At this point I totally threatened to kick her ass.

Earlier in the day I'd spoken to J on the phone from school, and she told me another amusing Delia related anecdote. J had put on some music while they were eating lunch, and Delia found this to be so irritating that after she was done eating, while J was out of the room, she went over to the cd player, removed the cd and then hid it. I asked, Was she mad that you weren't letting her watch some show or something? And J said, Yeah, she wanted to watch a dvd. I said, Which cd did you have in? J says, Oh, one of the new ones I just got. I said, Bob Dylan? Oh, I would have hidden it too.

Poor Lil' Scooby

2008-04-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

So Delia has been sick for ages. First it was the barf-o-rama that started on the 13th and lasted for nearly a week (by the end it was mostly listlessness, the occasional diarrhea, and no appetite) and then just a few days later suddenly she's hit with this horrible high fever. This went on for a couple of days and we were obliged to get a thermometer, and tylenol, and she was up half the night in bed with me watching cartoons to distract her from how shitty she felt.

Then on Thursday I'm at clinicals all day and around lunchtime I'm calling home and getting worried that I can't reach J. Finally she calls back: Delia woke from a nap just miserable and her axillary (armpit) temp was 104.5!! Holy crapples! So J took her to the doctor and they said, well she might have roseola. It's a kind of fevery-rashy thing that they see on occasion and they'd had a couple of cases recently. It's not terribly serious aside from the high fever but it's damned uncomfortable. I had it when I was around 28 or so and it did rather suck. The rash doesn't particularly itch but it's unsightly and the fever is no fun. But then Delia never did get a rash. She does have a runny nose now but that just appeared on Thursday, after she'd been sick for days already.

So Delia continued with the fever until today, she finally slept through the night on Thurs. night and today was the first day she woke up without a temp and appears to not have had one all day. She did get kind of flushed and rosy cheeked in the afternoon but she and J. were playing outside and it might have just been exertion, after all that resting and napping for two weeks solid.

It just sucks when your kid is sick. :(

Junior Nurse Woodchuck Club

2008-04-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

So today in clinicals I had a male patient getting his second hip replaced. Oh and did we mention he's a retired physician? Yeah, no pressure there... He turned out to be a really nice man, and in addition to doing an assessment on him (you know, the once-over: listen to lungs, heart, look at IV site, kind of a head to toe how ya doin') I got to give him a subcutaneous injection of an anticoagulant.

Okay, so I'm used to the tiny, skinny, fine needles that they use for insulin, and unfortunately this needle was not such a fine gauge, so it didn't dart into the skin the first time like it was supposed to and so I had to assault the poor man twice. But he was super nice about it.

Then, I got to discontinue an IV line for a woman who was being discharged today. By the way, adhesive tape + gloves = sticky mess, but we already knew that.

Then later I got to d/c my male patient's IV line too, and it went fine.

I feel almost competent at times.

The Madcap Life of a Nursing Student

2008-04-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

So this week I kind of overbooked myself.

Sunday night: stay up until 3am finishing assignments due on Monday by 1pm.

Monday: class 8am to noon, attempt to pay tuition (see previous entry), race back up to Hyperbole University to get a signature from one instructor because I'm pretty sure she won't be available Tuesday. Go home, collapse.

Tuesday: class 8-10am, gather remaining signatures, back down to college to register and pay, return to University to practice and sign off on "converting running IV to saline lock" and "discontinue saline lock." Repeatedly refer to saline lock as "piggyback" to the amusement of all. Swing by store to pick up thermometer and children's tylenol as daughter is home with raging fever of indeterminate origins.

Wednesday: wake at 2:30am with daughter, dose her with ibuprofen, cool her off, doze fitfully, awaken to myriad requests for drinks of water or assistance to restroom (thankfully just to pee); shower, breakfast, head to University to practice and sign off on intermittent IV infusion of medications. Then off to hospital to get tomorrow's assignment, return home, prepare materials for tomorrow's clinicals, and try to get to bed at decent hour.

Thursday: Clinicals begin at 6am! Done at 3pm, home for a couple of hours, then off to emergency do-gooders' volunteer training 6-8:30pm.

Friday: testing at University (for which I have no time to study), then off to volunteer opportunity performing HgA1C testing on wrinkly old folks, 11am - 3pm.

Weekend: work, read for class on Monday.

Gah.

In which I am a moron

2008-04-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that if you fail to pay your tuition on time, Euphemism College will drop you from all your classes.

I have no defense, I had just gotten fixated on this idea that I needed to drop by the college and pay in person with a check rather than do it over the internet and then just immediately pay off the credit card as I have done in the past. So yeah, the college is not near anything else I routinely go to, and last week Delia was sick, and then I got a cold, and then I was constantly tired, and kept forgetting...

So if you then go to pay your tuition and find you've been un-registered, you then must petition your instructors to register more than ten days after the start of the term. This means you get a petition form and write on it why it was that you failed to pay on time or whatever other reason you might have for registering late. I had to write five forms, for my five classes. This rather felt like standing at the board a la Bart Simpson: "I will not chew gum in class, I will not chew gum in class, I will not chew gum in class..."

You must then go to each instructor in turn and explain to them what happened, and they must not only sign your form but write a small statement regarding why it is exactly that you should be permitted to register so late. I have three instructors, so I had to tell each one of them that I, in effect, am a moron. Then they had to find some not-too-insulting way of saying that I should be allowed to continue despite my incredible ineptitude.

Perhaps this process is designed to be so humiliating and tedious that the student will never again be tempted to color outside the registration lines. I know it's certainly having that effect on me.

Dollar store gifting

2008-04-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

So today I had to take the small fry to the doctor for the hurling/poopage issue, and afterward because I am a terrible person I was then obligated to take her to the dollar store. She puffy hearts the dollar store in a huge way.

Once inside I was tempted by many items, especially the vast selection of decorative figurines in many styles, but I held firm until we went to get in line at the checkout. It was then that I spied the basket of those little compressed thingies that you throw into the bathwater and they amusingly swell up to become a full sized washrag, as if by magic. The designs vary by season, or someone's whim, or who knows. Currently the theme was the planets in our solar system.

I was forced to purchase one to send to my brother.

You guessed it.

Uranus.

Things unrelated to GAH

2008-04-15T15:10:00.000-07:00

So before the baby's head rotated 360 degrees and firehose reverse-peristalsis began, I actually spent Saturday night doing something grown-up and not concerned with child, school, work, or home. We went to see Sweeney Todd. The touring Broadway production, not the movie.

I rather enjoyed it. I'm a sucker for musicals, and this whole thing where there was no orchestra and the cast played their own instruments? So cool. It doesn't seem possible, to a musically disinclined rube such as myself, for so few instruments to make such full sound. The set was cool, the cast was cool. It was, in a word, nifty. (Bet you thought I was going to say cool!)

Our seats are first balcony, really pretty good (I don't like sitting down on the main floor), but the actors are a wee bit hard to make out distinctly. The woman playing Mrs. Lovett was fantastic, played her as good-natured and shrewd, bawdily proper and completely without morals (but in such a very moral way, somehow), and I sort of regarded her as (Will & Grace's) Karen Walker gone to seed. There was one scene in which she played a bit on the tuba, with her back to the audience, that had me nearly in tears laughing.

Also, today was my mother's last day of work. Ever. Happy Retirement to MOM! She doesn't seem old enough to retire, and in fact she isn't 65 yet. Hell, she isn't even 62 yet. She worked hard all her life and then married Mr. Wonderful, who is not only a great guy but also a gainfully employed master electrician. It's a really nice feeling to know that your mom is set for a graceful, comfortable retirement, and early enough to enjoy it, God willing.

And! She! Is! Coming! To! Disneyland! With! Us! In September. I can't afford it but I'm going anyway. And my brother and his wife and kids, we're all going together! I really wanted Mom to go too so I'm totally stoked that she is. My brother cornered her a couple weeks ago and the next day Mom and I had this conversation:

Mom: So I've been guilted into coming to Disneyland with you guys.
Me: (thrilled) Oh?
Mom: Yes. My forty-three year old son, the one with the white hair and white beard, informed me that he and all of his children would cry themselves to sleep each night for the rest of their lives and sleep on wet pillows, if I didn't come to Disneyland in September.
Me: (trying to sound properly contrite and failing) Hahahahaha. Well I'm glad you're coming.

(Note: my brother is prematurely gray and it looks super cool on him. I'm going gray and it's going to look like crap on me. There is no justice.)

....As for school, first module test last week, score of 92, second one this week, covering EIGHT chapters of fluid and electrolyte imbalance, score of 84 (can I get a hallelujah). I'm sure some overachiever will do better, but I'm glad to get a decent score. Today in lab we covered surgical scrub (that cool scrubbing-in they do where they hold their hands up in the air and don't touch anything) and then sterile gowning and gloving. So interesting. I might be destined for OR nursing, although it's kind of early to tell.

I missed a dinner tonight for the Student Nurse Association of Euphemism College, due to baby's squirty buttitis (as we call it; a technical term, related to itchy buttitis and blowy assitis). I'm an officer in the club, my duties are to create and post flyers announcing our meetings and some other events. Big whoop, but it gets me first dibs on dinners, volunteer opportunities, and so forth, and looks good in the ol' portfolio. The next dinner is on May 2nd and there is a professor from Harvard Medical School coming to talk about multiple myelomas. It'll be fancy.

Oh, plus we've submitted a proposal wherein the school will pay for some of us to go to Las Vegas for a seminar in July. And guess who's on the planning committee. And is an officer. And hopes very much to go. Yes, that'd be MOI.

UGH

2008-04-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

So yesterday morning at 330am I was awakened by a distress call emanating from the baby's room. I went in expecting to find that she'd had a bad dream, but instead.... Instead I found her bed awash in vomit. Vile, cold, foul-smelling vomit. So, I cleaned her up and threw her bedding in the wash and brought her to bed with me, kicking J out in the process. J is less than responsive at night and this freed up some space so I wasn't trying to sleep/care for a vomitous child whilst perched on the edge of the bed.

Sunday was therefore spent handling the bazooka barfer. I had to take the day off work. Delia was giving it up from both ends all day, very little input and a fair amount of output, so Monday she was no longer hurling but now a bit dehydrated and listless. This child, who normally sleeps only in bed at night or in the car seat on your longer drive, fell asleep on a little nest we made her on the floor (as she had already soiled the couch, and J had mercifully cleaned it with the rug shampooer thingy) twice on Sunday, and on the (now dry but still somewhat gamey) couch a few times both Monday and today.

As she is still having (ugh) diarrhea, I have made her a doctors appointment tomorrow. I got home today from a long day at school and found her laying on the couch, all feverish and pitiful, and J told me that she'd been that way all day. But, after a little ibuprofen and some Gatorade-type-product she has rallied pretty well. She's eating some dinner and has a little more energy right now. You know, just in time for bed.

By the way, she has never really been sick like this before. She's had a couple snotty head colds and one other bout of puking at about 8 months old (memorably, the night before we moved to this house), but this kind of glassy eyed feverish state is one I've never seen before.

2nd Quarter

2008-04-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

So far so good, all both days of it. :)

We messed around with IV's today a bit, and this afternoon we will do some orientation regarding clinicals this quarter. I'll be going to Big Local Hospital on Thursdays for mine. We will do a lot of pre- and post-op care this time. I'm looking forward to it. One of my instructors, let's just call her DragonLady, is a nurse practitioner, and the other, let's call her Not The DragonLady, is an OR nurse, so I think this term will be fun. I think I just don't want to work in long-term care, which was kind of where we got started last quarter.

Tomorrow I have my first round of physical therapy (technically it's occupational therapy I think) for the Finger of Doom. After that I'll drop off my phone to get it activated, and while it's having all my phone numbers downloaded which I'm told will take an hour, I'll get a haircut. Exciting, no?

This, That, The Other Damn Thing

2008-04-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

So school starts on Monday.

What did I want to get done on break?
1. Clean house
2. Some personal stuff
3. Go to beach for a day
4. File taxes
5. Get totally organized for school
6. Read ahead
7. Complete required items for school (due at first class meeting)

What did I get done thus far?
1. 50% cleaner house (would be more but vacuum cleaner in shop)
2. None of personal stuff
3. Too rainy
4. Procrastination! It's a beautiful thing.
5. Nope
6. Nuh uh
7. Did one thing so far, a training cd-rom which turned out to be flawed -- seriously, if I can't get through it with a passing grade by the second time trying, something must be wrong. My classmates began calling me about it so obviously it's not just me.

Guess I better get going eh?

Lamentations

2008-03-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

Kindly google "lamentations of the father" and read the piece you find by Ian Frazier. I recommend theatlantic website.

I read this years ago and it still makes me laugh. Though it is not concerning flatulence of any kind.

Flatus = Hilarity

2008-03-29T16:56:00.000-07:00

So the other day my better half informs me that she has discovered a new, hitherto unknown, phenomenon that occurs following the consumption of a certain quantity of ham. It is perhaps unsurprising that this discovery should come just after Easter, since for some reason it is traditional to celebrate the resurrection of Our Lord Jesus Christ -- a person of the Jewish persuasion -- with an enormous pile of cured pork.

At any rate, I was enlightened as to this phenomenon, even unto its name: ham gas.

There is something about this phrase, ham gas, that makes me laugh a stupid, giddy, almost-can't-get-the-words-ham-gas-out laugh. Ham gas! Ham gas! HAM! GAS!

Why is this so damn funny!!

There is also that phenomenon, also apparent around this time of year, because it is in season and readily available and cheap: aspara-gas.

It therefore gave me extreme pleasure just last night to unveil my own new secret weapon, one that is scarce at our house because we don't have them very often: fish stick gas.

Jabber-whacky good times!

2008-03-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

This was published in Mad Magazine when I was a kid. It was brought to mind in a post from Yellojkt and I googled it --having not seen it since I was about twelve -- and here it is!

Jabber-Whacky

On Dreaming, After Falling Asleep Watching TV

Isabelle Di Caprio

'Twas Brillo, and the G.E. Stoves,
Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade;
All Pillsbury were the Taystee loaves
And in a Minute Maid.

"Beware the Station-Break, my son,
The voice that lulls, the ads that vex!
Beware the Doctors Claim, and shun
That horror called Brand-X!"

He took his Q-Tip'd swab in hand;
Long time the Tension Headache fought--
So Dristan he by a Mercury,
And Bayer-break'd in thought.

And as in Bufferin Gulf he stood
The Station-Break, with Rise of Tame,
Came Wisking through the Pride-hazed wood,
And Creme-Rinsed as it came!

Buy one! Buy two! We're almost through!
The Q-Tip'd Dash went Spic and Span!
He Tide Air-Wick, and with Bisquick
Went Aero-Waxing Ban.

"And hast thou Dreft the Station-Break?
Ajax the Breck, Excedrin boy!
Oh, Fab wash day, Cashmere Bouquet!"
He Handi-Wrapped in Joy.

'Twas Brillo, and the G.E. Stoves
Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade;
All Pillsbury were the Taystee loaves,
And in a Minute Maid.

Zillion questions meme

2008-03-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

Are your parents married or divorced?:	Divorced, twice. Once when I was five and again when I was seven.
Are you a vegetarian?:	Nuh uh. Pass me the bloody ribeye and be quick about it.
Do you believe in Heaven?:	When my cat died, that was when I decided there had to be heaven because the thought of being parted from him forever was more than I could take.
Have you ever come close to dying?:	Nearly got mushed by a truck once. Also, nearly lost my leg as a child.
What jewelry do you wear 24/7?:	Wedding ring.
Are you eating?:	Waiting on dinner right now.
Do you eat the stems of broccoli:	ZOMG yes!
Do you wear makeup?:	Nope. Think about it sometimes but I haven't since I was about 22 and working in the library downtown -- no a/c, hot as hell and dusty, makeup just ran anyway. Got out of the habit and then came out. Let the hairy legs and no makeup commence!
Would you ever have plastic surgery?:	No.
What do you wear to bed?:	Girl pajamas. Stop laughing. They make me feel pretty. Shut up.
Have you ever done anything illegal?:	Um... some very very minor illicit drug use as a teen. Very infrequent, very unrewarding. And one speeding ticket. And once I ran a red light by accident and got caught.
Can you roll your tongue?:	No! I feel like a freak now. Everybody else can!
Do You have a boyfriend or girlfriend?:	Er... next question please. Hahahaha, just kidding. No to either.
Do you believe in Abortions?:	It's a sad solution to a sad problem. I wish there was a better way.
What is your Hair color?:	"It used to be red..."
Future child’s name, boy and girl?:	No more in my future, but if I did, Hamish and Grace
Do you smoke?:	Not even once.
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?:	Barcelona, and every damn one of you is coming with me.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?:	Not unless you count Wilbur, the elderly black cat. She's to crabby to be stuffed though.
If you won the lottery, what would you do first?:	Pay off debts.
Gold or silver?:	White gold; silver if it's the kind that doesn't tarnish. I hate me some polishing.
Hamburger or hot dog?:	Hamburger with sharp cheddar, sauteed onions and mushrooms, and lettuce and tomato.
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?:	Vietnamese salad rolls with peanut sauce.
City, beach or country?:	All three!
What was the last thing you touched?:	Empty pop cans as I rinsed them and threw them in recycling.
Where did you eat last?:	The food court at the mall -- a post library snack.
When’s the last time you cried?:	When I broke my finger, around the end of January.
Do you read blogs?:	Pssht. Is a frog's ass watertight?
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?:	er, I kind of already do a lot of the time in winter. Sweaters, cargo pants.
Ever been involved with the police?:	I have to call them occasionally for work when a client is freaking out. Other than that, and the occasional traffic ticket, no.
What’s your favorite shampoo/conditioner and soap?:	I have no favorite shampoo. Or soap. But nothing too floral or fruity.
Do you talk in your sleep?:	No but I am told that I snore. Lies! All lies!
Ocean or pool?:	Both!
What’s your favorite song at the moment:	Lifehouse, "Hanging by a moment"; I know it's not a new song but it's stuck in my head.
Have you ever had a cavity?:	As a kid, tons. Not so much now.
Window seat or aisle seats?:	Window please and keep them drinks a-coming.
Ever met anyone famous?:	Had dinner with Doogie Howser's best friend Vinnie on the show, Max Casella. My then-ex-bf's sister was Max's girlfriend on the show or some damn thing. My ex's then-current gf was out of town so I got to go to dinner with them all when they came through town. Wonder if he ever told his then-current gf?
Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?:	Mmmmm... not especially at this point except for Delia. She is the best thing I ever did.
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?:	Cut it. Otherwise I'm wearing a lot of sauce by the end of the meal.
What is your fav. sport to play?:	I like to ride my bicycle.
Basketball or football?:	Neither.
When was the last time you went to the bathroom?:	Um... is this really necessary to know?
Do you drive a stick?:	We have one of each and I drive both.
Cake or ice cream?:	Depends. Must I choose? Life is so short!
Are you self-conscious?:	Yes. Rather.
Do you like any of your close friends?:	Yes. Otherwise they would not be my close friends. Unless you mean "LIKE" like in which case, sure, they all have qualities I am attracted to, but that doesn't mean I LIKE like them necessarily.
Have you ever given money to a bum?:	Does J's brother count?
Have you been in love?:	Too confusing. Next question please.
Where do you wish you were?:	Walking across the stage getting pinned at my RN ceremony.
On myspace why is the 1st person on ur top 8 there?:	I don't really do myspace.
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?:	Yes. Avoid it if you can.
Can you tango?:	No.
Last gift you received?:	A book about better living through movies which I've read parts of. It's pretty funny!
What occasion did you recieve your gift?:	Sort of an Easter and just because thing I guess?
Last thing you spent lots of money on?:	Textbooks. Tuition.
Where do you live?:	Pacific Northwest.
Last wedding attended.:	Lordy, it's been ages. My own?
Favorite restaurant?:	Hole in the wall Vietnamese place nearby.
What is your favorite kind of car?:	1967 Chevy Impala.
Most hated food(s):	Sour cream, cream cheese, soft cheese of any kind.
Most loved food(s)?:	Fried rice, shrimp, shrimp fried rice....
Can you sing?:	After a fashion. Depends on how particular you are about the little niceties like if it sounds better than the cat horking up a furball or something.
Person on your mind?:	My daughter, sleeping in her big girl bed for the first time tonight!
What’s your least fav. chores?:	Putting clothes away.
Favorite drink?:	Co-Cola with ice and a straw. Or something alcoholic.
Currently have a Crush?:	Who doesn't?
How long was your longest drive in a car?:	Portland, Oregon, to Fairbanks, Alaska.
Why do you do Myspace surveys?:	I don't.
Do you know who Nick Tyo is?:	No, and I stubbornly refuse to google him.

Photo blog at last

2008-03-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

Too lazy to post photos during the quarter -- okay, too busy -- but here I have finally cleared the camera and voila, photos abound!

For starters, here is the nest of the elusive First Quarter Nursing Student. Note the array of books, supplies, and snacks. This was taken the night before the ritual First Paper Due Date.
Next, we have the baby's first rollerskating experience, aside from tootling around the house on her Go Diego Go skates. Dear friend John is supporting her in her efforts in one of these shots. Despite momentary discomfort when her hand got a tiny bit squished, she appeared to enjoy the experience overall. Note: the last time she wore those pants, they came down past her ankles. Lordy, that kid can grow.

Up next: at my Mom's retirement party yesterday, before she got TOO grubby.

Go here now.

2008-03-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

This is possibly the most fun I've ever had blogging. Go forth and read the comments in particular.

http://melgee.multiply.com/journal/item/392/Ten_Thought_Tuesday

To Mow

2008-03-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

Perchance to trim, to clip the ragged sheaf of fescue...

I mowed today for the first time this year. It's 63 degrees out and cloudy with sunbreaks so I thought I'd better get a mow on if I was gonna anytime soon. This kind of weather doesn't last too long around here in spring. Yesterday, for instance, it rained all day long. I thought I'd start with the front yard and just mow until it started to rain, but it stayed sunny so I kept on mowing and now the entire yard is at least less unsightly than usual. I'm drawing the line at running the weed whacker. This whole mowing thing was unscheduled as it was.

J's brother is here for a brief (and by the way utterly unscheduled) visit. Some souvenirs from his prior visit: a big yellow canoe-shaped mark in the grass on the side yard, most of the dirt in our family room carpet, and a freezer full of some kind of fragrantly deceased fish (not the delicious salmon but some other kind of smelly denizen of the deep). Here's to hoping that this visit is short and to the point. Delia, however, is nearly hysterical with joy. Doug's dog Busty is among her favorite living beings. As I blog this, she is joyously chasing Busty around the house, throwing a toy for him and yelling at the top of her lungs. He does bear close watching, however, as he does have a small tendency to hump things when excited. First off, eeeeeeuw, and secondly, he weighs about three times as much as she does.

The Final Tally

2008-03-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Surprise, surprise.

Remember when I talked about the best case scenario?

Yay me!

I got an A in 112, an A in 113, and a B+ in 110. And passes in the pass/fails.

I rock! :)

Er, it was at least partly luck. And stuff like that. :)

How I'll Spend My Spring Vacation

2008-03-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

Big plans!

1. Clean house. House is filthy shithole, fit for pigs or similar. Drifts of animal hair threatening to obscure television from view. For obvious reasons, this is unacceptable.
2. Take baby rollerskating for the first time in her tender young life. (Note to self: locate leftover bubble wrap and duct tape before next Weds.)
3. Take day trip to beach. If tradition holds, choose rainiest day in recent history. Has baby gotten over irrational fear of sand?
4. Clean more of house, including scraping rings out of bathtub, chipping Mysterious Residue off any window the baby can reach, and sifting through bushel baskets of mail.
5. Obsessively prepare New and Improved Notebook of Doom for next term. Have decided to keep current NoD filled with 1st Quarter class materials. (Why? Who knows. Perhaps I'll need them someday?)
6. Play World of Warcraft until my eyes dry up and fall out of my head. Repeat as often as tolerated by Better Half.
7. Get off slothful (and expanding) butt and resume healthful gym activity. Can now almost grip things with Finger of Doom! And let's not forget Livestrong Ride coming up.
8. Ooh, speaking of which, must call and get therapy for same. Can only bend partway, and hurts like... well, like something that hurts a lot.
9. Take baby to library, zoo, museum, and anywhere else she likes.
10. Did I mention cleaning and other types of home maintenance? Including, but not limited to: dusting, vacuuming, cleaning rugs, tackling Mt. Washmore, sorting forty bazillion toys into their respective storage units, wiping down kitchen cupboards (ours are white, and we have a not quite 4 year old... yeah, it's not pretty), cleaning chicken coop, mowing lawn, bunny cage, bathrooms, bedrooms, kitchen, dining room, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
~~11. Drink heavily; hire housekeeper.~~ (okay, just wishful thinking)
11. Take baby to soccer practice! Am soccer mom now!
12. Work on weekends as usual

That about sums it up.

First Grade Posted

2008-03-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

I got an A in 112! Yay!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2008-03-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

So I missed the Danskin Triathlon registration for the Seattle tri and have been silently suffering ever since.

Today I got an email. They have a new race. Another tri in the series.

It's at freaking DISNEYLAND.

I want to go so bad it hurts, but no way can I afford it. It would cost me like a thousand dollars to go do this thing, and I don't need to do it. But oh lordy, I want to.

Two Down

2008-03-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

Got an 89 on my final today. I might, just maybe, squeek an A in that class, but it's gonna be close either way so I'm not holding my breath.

Tomorrow morning I take my last final (my final final?) for first term -- one term down, five to go! I suspect I could get an A in this class (112, "Introduction to Mental Health Concepts") but again, hard to tell.

Worst case scenario: B's in all classes that get letter grades, pass in the lab and clinicals.

Best case scenario: a B in 113 ("Professional Nursing Skills I"), A in 110 ("Foundations of Professional Nursing"), A in 112, pass in the lab and clinicals.

Not bad work, Grasshopper.

One down, plus: occupational terrorists

2008-03-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

Took my nursing assessment final yesterday.

First off let me just say that performance testing freaks me out big time. I just hate being observed. It took me four tries to get my driver's license, and why? Sheer nerves. My heart pounds, my mouth dries out, my hands shake, I break out in a sweat. It's ridiculous.

That being said, I did pass all my skill check-offs on the first try, which I attribute mostly to sheer dumb luck. I did not realize that most of my peers failed at least one of them at some point, until someone asked me about it and I blithely admitted that I hadn't failed any of them. This drew many cold stares and whiny "OMG I totally hate you"s from the rest of the table.

Anyways I passed my final with a "B." The test was administered by my clinicals instructor. He's a decent guy which made it less intimidating. Unfortunately, I misunderstood some crucial instruction beforehand: he went down the list of points to cover in the assessment and told us which ones not to chart, but I thought he meant not to even assess those. So I probably would have squeaked an A on the final had I understood that correctly.

Then he returned my patient presentation, on which we all got B's. Mostly due to a boatload of minor APA formatting errors. I am totally going to get the APA formatting software. This will eliminate most of those errors out of hand.

So, I'll probably get a B in that class. I had good module scores, probably a low A, but the B on the paper and the B on the final will bring me to a B.

In other news: I saw the finger doctor Tuesday. Mr. Smug Physician's Assistant was somewhat more bearable. He clucked disapprovingly when I showed him my still-swollen, stiff, non-bending finger, and proceeded to grab it and try to bend it for me. This sound emerged from my mouth, entirely unbidden from me: "NGGGGAAAAAHHHHH!" The Finger of Doom did not bend. "So," he says cheerfully, "you need to go see the occupational terrorists! And this is gentle compared with what they will do to you!" I swear there was a subliminal "MUWAHAHAHAHA!" Evil Maniac laugh in there too but only I could hear it. The other people in the office did not call security as they certainly should have done.

I am supposed to be warming my finger up for ten minutes or so using a hot compress, then using my other hand to bend the finger, then slapping a cold pack on it -- oh and eating ibuprofen like candy -- but this would interfere pretty severely with my gaming and blogging time. Ah, priorities...

Last class!

2008-03-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

Just walked out of my last class of the quarter! SWEET!!!!

Now I have left: 2 module tests (got 95 on the one I took yesterday, thank you, please hold your applause), the head to toe, and two finals next week.

Then I was talking to a friend from 2nd quarter and she told me, I should go directly for master's right away because starting in 2013 you'll have to have a doctorate to be a nurse practitioner instead of a master's. So, I'll be contacting that advisor over at Hyperbole University RIGHT AWAY!!!

By the way, in high school when I was attending a health occupations magnet program I said I would never be a nurse. And when I started nursing school a scant three months ago I said I'd never be a nurse practitioner.

I think it's time I said it: I'll never be a millionaire! And, um, I'll never travel the world! And I'll never ever get a brand new BMW motorcycle and ride around like I'm super badass! Never!!

Pee body

2008-03-05T11:51:00.000-08:00

When Delia was a baby I liked to call her Peabody when she had a wet diaper. Come here ya little Peabody, I'd say. Once, when she was suffering from some weird throwing up problem (her only real illness aside from a few snotty head colds) I got to use a little stick-on external catheter to try to get a teeny, tiny urine sample from her. The throwing up problem went away a couple of days later, but I'll treasure that memory forever... NOT.

Anyway, you might be asking yourself, "I wonder what this might be leading up to?"

Well, today I signed off on my final skill for this term. Inserting a Foley catheter.

Those of you who are super fortunate may not realize that when you are very ill, have lengthy surgery, break your entire pelvis, whatever, those evil people at the hospital will stick a hose into your whatnot for the purpose of letting you pee into a bag. Pray that this never happens to you, if only to avoid the off chance that some ham-handed nursing student will get a shot at "practicing their skills" on your bits and pieces.

For the purposes of lab practice, we use anatomically correct manikins. They feature interchangeable personal regions. So, Mr. Ken Dahl might become Ms. Anastasia Beaverhausen (my personal favorite made up name which I totally stole from Will & Grace) with a brisk riiiiiiiiiiiiiip of velcro. Both genders feature simplified, large-bore openings so that the hapless moron student can get an idea of what they're up against come the revolution. The visual on this can be, trust me, a bit disturbing the first time, but after a bit we all become accustomed to the "squishy bits" looking (in the case of the male manikin part) somewhat realistic in a rubbery way, but with a gigantic opening at the end, or (in the case of the female manikin part) gapingly horrifying and with perfectly round openings in appropriate places. You can get used to anything, it seems.

At any rate, this skill is due by next Tuesday, so like good little students the smarter ones among us (and here I include myself, modestly) have taken care of this early. The lab does get lousy with students toward a deadline and the lab instructors are less than sympathetic to our cries and pleas. They shut the lab promptly and go home with clear consciences. We were given these deadlines the first week of the term.

Three more module tests, the head to toe, and two finals. Go us!

Head to toe assessment

2008-03-05T06:54:00.000-08:00

My good friend Elizabeth (I'll link her blog when I get home where the handy bookmark is) gave me a nice synopsis of the head-to-toe assessment on manikins we'll be doing for our final a week from now:

"Plastic.

Plastic.

More of a vinyl type here with squishy bits.

Lots of squishy bits.

Anatomically correct vinyl.

Plastic again.

Plastic."

This will totally help me get an A! Thanks, Elizabeth!

Two more weeks!

2008-03-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

So, two weeks from now I'll be studying for my last final of this term. Gah!!!

And, this Thursday is my last clinical for this term.

A week after that we do our head-to-toe assessment on a manikin as a final for clinicals.

Then finals week begins and I'll have two and a half weeks off.

And then it starts all over again.

Good times!

Bummer :(

2008-03-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

I've been so depressed about this I haven't been able to blog about it. But here goes.

I missed the online registration for the Danskin triathlon.

It was Feb. 26th, and in the past it seemed to be available for some time, so I wasn't too worried about doing it first thing in the morning. But then when I logged on and tried to register around 5pm... it was already closed. :( It was entirely possible to register by mail or fax beforehand, but I had never had any trouble registering online before, so that's what I was going to do this year too.

The triathlon was a huge part of my summer last year, and this year I talked two of my friends into going. I was so excited about it. And they both got registered... and I didn't.

I'm still excited, I am going to go with them and be their support crew -- but I'm so, so, so bummed about not getting to participate.

I realize that as Real Problems go, this is not a very big deal. But I'm still bummed.

Livestrong Ride

2008-03-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

Here in the Pacific Northwest we're having the Lance Armstrong Foundation Livestrong Ride on June 29th. It is a fundraiser for the LAF which raises money for cancer research.

Last year I completed the 40-mile route of this ride (Alone and in the rain! And I fell down and I kept on going!) and this year -- this year, my people, I'm doing the SEVENTY mile route! The forty-miler from last year was the longest ride I'd ever done, so I'm seriously upping the ante this year. And part of why I chose to do that was hearing about Stacey.

If you would like to help me reach -- or ideally EXCEED -- my fundraising goal of five hundred dollars, please let me know by sending me a private message here on Multiply.

Stacey, my butt will be hurting all day on June 30th JUST FOR YOU!!!!

Leap

2008-02-29T09:47:00.000-08:00

So tonight we're going to a birthday party for our dear friend Lil' Jeffy, whose birthday is Leap Year Day. Therefore he has a "real" birthday only once every four years, making him eight birthdays old. Do the math and you might surmise that he is in fact 32. I don't really remember him turning 30, so this came as a shock to me.

I dearly love his parents though I have not been able to look his mom in the eye since he told me that story about the time he came home unexpectedly early, bounded up the stairs, and found ... well, you just shouldn't do that sort of thing in the den, is all I'm sayin'.

Went in to school this morning to take a module test and also to finish up a couple of assignments. Got it all done and with a 100 on the module test, even. Yay me!

A fellow student whom I met at that dinner thingy a while back informed me today that the general consensus among students in her term (she is one term ahead of me) is that whether you put in a ton of work on your patient presentation, or not so much, you'll still get a B on it. So I'm kinda glad I just-over-half-assed it. No sense spending hours and hours agonizing over it if I'm still just gonna get a B.

One word is enough

2008-02-29T09:40:00.000-08:00

1. Where is your cell phone? counter
2. Your toe nails? adequate
3. Your hair? moppy
4. Your mother? superlative
5. Your father? clueless
6. Your favorite thing? daughter
7. Your dream last night? forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? coke
9. Your dream/goal? Nurse
10. The room you're in? diningroom
11. Your fear? disaster
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? prosperous
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you're not? mature
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? housekeeper
17. Where you grew up? Oregon
18. The last thing you did? exam
19. What are you wearing? splint
20. Your TV? dvd
21. Your pets? numerous
22. Your computer? darling
23. Your life? chaotic
24. Your mood? fatigued
26. Your car? zoomzoomzoom
27. Something you're not wearing? earrings
28. Favorite Store? book
29. Your summer? active
30. Your favorite color? blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? today
32. Last time you cried? Tuesday
33. Who will/would re-post this? anyone :)

Finger of Doom

2008-02-26T09:01:00.000-08:00

So today I took off my splint for a while, to give The Finger of Doom (TFoD) some air time. The snotty physician's assistant who saw me at the fracture clinic told me I should start doing some occasional easy bending type motions right about now, but I think he should just f*ck straight off, is what I think. Stupid thing is STILL bruised and very stiff, and bending it still hurts. So yeah. I don't think so.

Module test today, score 95. Yay me!

Also met with advisor. Hyperbole University evidently has not only an RN-to-Bachelor's degree program, but also an RN-straight-to-Master's degree for people such as myself, who have for example an all but useless BA in Nothingness Studies from Hunormous State University. So, my next step is to investigate that a bit on the website and then contact yet another advisor, this time a HU one and not the Euphemism College one I saw today. I could start knocking out the prereq's this summer. I believe I may have to take some statistics classes, which should not be a problem owing to my gigantic cranial capacity. Ha, ha, ha. Actually I did take some statistics years ago and I found that if you had a basic grasp of algebra, you could plug-n-chug your way through it without too much trouble. So, yay! Summer classes.....

What sucks more than clinicals?

2008-02-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

Clinicals with a gnarly head cold, when you went to bed miserable at 10:30pm and woke up even more miserable with a wicked bad headache at 2am and never did get back to sleep. That's what sucks more than clinicals, which really only suck because of the whole getting up at 4am thing. Seriously, I took some ibuprofen but by the time my head stopped hurting, it was 3am, and I wasn't sleepy, and so I ended up just staying up.

Needless to say, once I got home I played around with Delia for a bit and then hit the sheets.

Speaking of whom, she woke up dry this morning so this afternoon we gave her a present: a hoppity-hop. Super, super cute to watch her boinging around the house on it!

So tomorrow morning after preschool I'm taking her down to my brother's for the weekend so I can write my patient presentation, which is sort of a term paper that counts for a significant portion of my grades this term. I'm not terribly freaked out about the paper, but it'll just be a lot easier to complete it without a three-year-old milling about the place. Plus, it's more than an hour's drive each way, which means uninterrupted Harry Potter on cd listening time! Yay!

Misery, misery

2008-02-20T14:55:00.000-08:00

Is what nursing school is to me...

Actually, it's going pretty well, I'm just tired of having this broken finger, and now just in case I wasn't sufficiently burdened with school, work, home etc., I also have a rotten cold. I started getting sick last Thursday -- even to the point that I got sent home early from clinicals whic Just Does Not Happen -- and spent all weekend languishing at home feeling crappy. Took the weekend off from work and all that, to no avail. The snotty nose and sneezing and watery eyes started yesterday. If it weren't for Alka Seltzer Sinus Formula cold menu I don't know how I would have managed today. I have clinicals tomorrow and I'm hoping he'll let me hang around in the learning lab and stay the hell away from the fragile old folks who just don't need my cold.

As it was, I had to take the usual module tests this week (scores of 88, 90 and 85) and IV skills checkoff was today also. It's not due for a while yet but we've found that it's not wise to wait until the last minute. The lab gets all choked up with students and the wait times are unreal.

Aside from that all is about how you'd expect -- house an utter sty, friends neglected, etc. I did manage to wash the cars (exteriors only, alas) the other day when the weather was nice.

Delia is in the final stages of potty training -- she's been waking up dry! So tonight for the first time ever, she's going to bed with NO PULL-UP! I thought I'd give her the option, and she is going for it! If she pulls this off, she gets a present! And we'll save another fifteen bucks a month that we won't have to spend on pull-ups! Yay us!

Checking in

2008-02-12T11:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I haven't blogged in ages. Partly this is because of my stupid broken finger, which I have gotten used to enough to type reasonably well. Also I have been quite busy. It turns out that nursing school is like a one way trip down an elevator shaft straight into hell. Yay hell!

We have two or three module tests per week, plus assignments, and skill checkoffs, and blah blah blah. It's crazy nuts. But my module tests are going well -- mostly 85's and up, with a couple of 75's (still passing!).

Then there's also involvement in the Euphemism College Student Nurse Club, which we are told is very impressive in one's portfolio, so I've become Assistant Flyers/Communication Officer, and attended a dinner about clinical trials put on by the Lymphoma Society, as well as the weekly ECSNC meetings. (Once the Army showed us a very compelling video and fed us pizza and plied us with pens and lanyards and so forth.)

In a couple of weeks we start training for the Medical Reserve Corps, which is one of those prepared-citizen-do-gooders groups that they mobilize during emergencies. They puffy heart having nurses and even lowly nursing students in these things, because odds are we might not actually harm anyone in administering first aid. In exchange for our involvement we get an extremely unattractive royal blue tshirts and baseball hats emblazoned with "Total Dork."

Last night I signed on to World of Warcrack, against all better judgement what with the homework load I have, and got sucked into Kara (an instance -- you non WoW players won't understand any of this) and despite the fact that I'm a total casual player still wearing a couple of greens and have only entered Kara a couple of times and totally on the coattails of other, better, more deserving players, I still received this fabulous bow when we downed one of the bosses. I am not worthy!

Not much else to tell. Delia is doing great, full of piss and vinegar as always, and sporting a curly little hairdo after her first ever haircut a couple of weeks ago.

Mom, there's some stuff you should have known

2008-02-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Vonnie (I'll get you for this!) :)

Uh, Mom? Please never read this.

1. Remember when you dropped me off at a friend's house for a party? I had a bag of record albums, she lived a couple of blocks away, I directed you to a house with lights on and an open garage door? Yeah, I didn't know whose house it was, the girl was real but she lived somewhere else and wasn't having a party, and really what happened was that I slipped away after you'd driven off (mental note: always wait until the kid goes into the house before driving off). I went over and caught a bus to the mall and met a boy there who I didn't want anyone to know about because I already had a steady boyfriend. Eventually you found out about him because I told you, but I never did tell you about that first time I met up with him. Who knew I could be so devious! I'm boggling about it, this many years later.

(I'd met him at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. We dated off and on for a couple of years. He was a country boy with a car and permissive parents and oozed good natured bad boy charm, and I don't really regret any of it. :) Obviously this was before I came out.)

2. I can't really think of anything else because I was a Good Kid and there wasn't much else I did that you didn't already know about, like senior skip day, where you thought it was funny wrote me an excuse the next day, or that you didn't already find out about, i.e. various tattoos.

In your face, bad girls! My conscience is clean! I tag... Mel and Elizabeth.

mememememe

2008-02-01T12:21:00.000-08:00

1. What time did you get up this morning ?
7:30, when my little alarm clock woke me up. Sure beat yesterday when I had to get up at 4:30 for Clinicals at 5:45.

2. Diamonds or Pearls ?
Meh. I like colored stones -- tanzanite, sapphires, emeralds.

3. What was the last film you saw at the movies?
Took Delia to see Ratatouille.

4.. What is your favorite TV show?
NCIS, and old sitcoms.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
Toast, or cereal, whatever.

6. What is your middle name?
Ready for this? It's.... (suspenseful interest-building pause here)... Lee.

7. What food(s) do you dislike?
Spicy hot foods. Ugh.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
I don't even remember the last time I listened to a CD that wasn't Harry Potter.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
Lil' blue Mazda Protege5 which I love, and a Chevy Trailblazer which I also love.

10. Favorite sandwich?
Roast beef -- the yummy juicy kind that's pink in the middle -- on whole wheat with lettuce, tomato, a little mayo, a fair amount of horseradish, a little dijon, maybe some nice sharp cheddar.

11. What characteristics do you despise?
Jerky people who only suck up when they want something from you, and arrogant people.

12. Favorite item of clothing?
My crocs! And this orange plaid long sleeve button down shirt I've had forever that's getting a little frayed.

13. If you could go anywhere on vacation where would you go?
Spain.

14. What color is your bathroom?

The hall bath is blue with a cartoony dog/cat print shower curtain, it's kind of cute. The master bath is still resplendent in its original horrible 80's wallpaper, poorly applied by the previous owner

15. Favorite brand of clothing?
I do like Columbia Sportswear, also some Old Navy, beyond that it doesn't matter.

16. Where would you retire?
Close to my daughter. Close enough to be there and far enough away to not bug her too much.

17 Most memorable birthday?
Turned 40 last fall which was fun. Not the beach weekend boozefest I was hoping for, but fun. A number of years ago I had a birthday dinner with a lot of friends who happened to be choir singers and they serenaded me quite beautifully with the birthday song several times which stands out in my mind.

18. Favorite Sport to watch?
I don't watch 'em.

19. Summer or Winter?

Summer summer summer summersummersummersummer SUMMER!!!!!!!

20. Who do you expect to repost this?
Anybody who wants to... have at it, guys.

21. Person you most admire?
My mom. She rocks.

22. Favorite saying?
Better out than in, I always say...

Also, "Success is my only motherf*cking option." That will get me through nursing school.

23. When is your birthday?

Sept. 7th, when all the really cool people have their birthdays.

24. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night, but I can fake being a morning person quite well.

25. What is your shoe size?
About a 9... but I have to wear a 10 because of my orthotics. :(

26. Pet?
Oh, thousands... 2 each of: dogs, cats, bunnies, chickens and goldfish.

27. What did you want to be when you were little?
I don't really remember. An artist, a writer, I guess.

28. What are you doing today?
Working.

29. What is your favorite candy?
Peanut butter Twix, lately.

30. What is your favorite flower?
Gerber daisy for me, too!

31. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?

Spring break, then summer break, etc. :)

32. What church/temple do you attend?
United Church of Christ. We are a peaceable bunch.

33. What are you listening to right now?
TV in the other room.

34. What was the last thing you ate?
PB sandwich, dinner here was something I'm allergic to.

35. Do you believe in Angels?
Not sure.

36. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Purple, the dark blue purple kind.

37. What are your pet peeves?
If somebody leaves the empty milk jug on the counter for ME to rinse out.

38. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
J.

39. Favorite soft drink?
Coke omg cooooooooooooke

40. Favorite restaurant?
This Vietnamese and Thai place down the road a bit.

41. Hair Color?
Sigh... I've been asked if it "used to be" red. Yes, it did. Not so much anymore, apparently.

42. Siblings?
One brother.

43. Favorite day of the year?
Any day I get to spend with my daughter.

46. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs.

47. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate. But vanilla ice cream.

48. Do you want your friends to repost this?
If they haven't already.

49. When was the last time you cried?
When I broke my finger last Sunday.

50. What is under your bed?
Just some art paper in a plastic snap-lid box, and a zippered clear plastic bag with a couple blankets in it, and a few dust bunnies.

51. Who is the friend you've had longest?
Who I still am in contact with semi regularly? Probably Graham, husband to Elizabeth.

52. What did you do last night?
Loafed.

53. Favorite smell?

Baking smells, like apple pie.

54. What are you afraid of?
Messing up my kids.

55. How many keys on your key ring?
Two cars plus house.

56. How many years at your current job?
Been with this agency off and on since 1991.

57. Favorite day of the week ?
Friday, the only day I have totally off.

58. How many towns have you lived in ?
Um... Looks like 8.

That's all folks!

Nursing school update

2008-02-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

This week:

Took more module tests, scores were good -- an 85, and a 92? I have to start writing this stuff down. The 85 was on a test that everyone said was hard, so I felt okay about that.

Passed my IM injection skills check-off. With a broken finger. That I didn't know yet was broken.

Got back some homework: scores 20/20 and 28/30.

Completed my Clinicals and did the homework immediately, classmate who was going in anyway turned it in for me, thus saving me a trip up to the campus.

Coming up: module test due Monday, another Tuesday, another Friday. Gah.

Busted

2008-01-31T14:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not posting much lately and here is why:

I broke my finger.

I was taking apart a table to move it from the office to my bedroom, and it got kind of violent, and I was forced to subdue it, and somehow my left index finger got involved, and I went and had it xrayed because it hurt like a ... like something that hurts really bad. And they said it was not broken. That was Sunday.

Today J. got a call from The Evil HMO Empire saying, um, the radiologist had finally had a look at the films and, um, could I come in very soon? Because, um -- and we are sure you will find this terribly, terribly funny -- it is too broken, after all. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Today, internets, is Thursday. I have been walking around with a very swollen, grotesque, gigantic, purple-and-blue, painful broken finger for four days.

W. T. H. ? ? ?

Meme-a-licious

2008-01-30T12:15:00.000-08:00

This is for your entire life:

Smoked a cigarette Not even once. Almost took it up when drunk and in a foreign country.
Drank so much you threw up Uh... yeah. A few times. Not for years though.
Crashed a friend's car No

Stolen a car No
Been in love Yes.
Been dumped Yes.
Shoplifted No.
Been laid off/fired Laid off when a restaurant closed.
Quit your job Yes.
Been in a fist fight Not so much...
Snuck out of your parent's house We sneaked out of my friend's parents' house when I was in high school a couple times, to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And once as an adult we left my Dad's house in the middle of the night when we were mad at him, and he didn't know we'd left until morning. We'd told him and my evil step mother that I was pregnant and their reaction was... weird.

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back Gah, who hasn't.

Been arrested No.
Gone on a blind date No.
Lied to a friend Do little white lies count?
Skipped school Only once or twice.
Been to Canada Several times, and driven through it twice to get to Alaska as well.
Been to Mexico Only as far as Ensenada.
Been on a plane Too many times to list.

Been lost Here and there...
Been on the opposite side of the country Many times.
Gone to Washington DC? Flew there a few years ago to see the Smithsonians etc.
Swam in the ocean A few times.
Felt like dying I could see that from where I was so I understood what that was all about, but didn't really want to go there, not for reals.
Cried yourself to sleep More than once.

Played cops and robbers Yes!
Recently colored with crayons Yes, I have a 3-year-old...
Sang karaoke No. Oh, God, no.

Paid for a meal with only coins Once as a kid..

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't Yes.
Made prank phone calls Not that I can remember.

Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose Think my brother did.
Caught a snowflake on your tongue Yes.
Danced in the rain No.

Written a letter to Santa Claus Of course.

Been kissed under the mistletoe Yes.
Watched the sun rise with someone you care about No

Blown bubbles Again, I have a 3 year old.
Made a bonfire on the beach Ages ago.

Crashed a party Nah. Wasn't much for parties.
Gone roller-skating Used to go a lot.
Ice-skating Hurts my feets.

Booksale!

2008-01-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

Almost couldn't attend the Megopolis library used-bookstore booksale due to ice, but managed at the last minute on my way to work. (I live in Bedroom Community but Megopolis is just across the river). They give you a paper grocery sack, the tall kind with handles, and you fill it up with books, and it costs you ten bucks. There was supposed to be a limit of ten bags, but I heard a guy talking with the staff at the register and he had sixteen. I can only aspire to that kind of greatness, but then again I haven't got that kind of shelf space and would hate to break up the family owing to the divorce that would surely ensue if I brought home sixteen bags of books.

Well, I'm a rank amateur at these things, in that I didn't stand in line before the store opened or anything, but I did get me a bag of books. It was pretty picked over by the time I got there but I got a bunch of books for Delia, a book-on-cd for when she's older ("Misty of Chincoteague" by Marguerite Henry, a favorite of mine as a child), and map book and fishing guide for J. For me, a Russian language course on tape for all that spare time I have. And the satisfaction of getting a bazillion books for ten bucks, of course, and supporting the library.

I kicked its scaly little BUTT

2008-01-25T09:11:00.000-08:00

I spanked that module test! I showed it who was boss!

Okay, I got a 90. I'm sure somebody else did gooder than me... but at least it wasn't a 75!

Oh, and also

2008-01-24T16:10:00.000-08:00

I discovered that my local purveyor of expensive coffee drinks opens at FIVE IN THE MORNING!

You have no idea how happy this makes me. I can get a delicious beverage on clinicals mornings!

Clinicals

2008-01-24T15:26:00.000-08:00

So on Thursdays we have to get up at four-dark-thirty. Not only must we get up, but we must then appear, clean, neat, and chipper, by no later than 5:45am, at the Clinicals site assigned to us, where we must then try to worm our ways into our assigned CNAs' hearts, lest they spurn us and leave us to wander the halls, alone and friendless. This morning I followed instructions to the letter, donning for the first time my uniform: white scrub top with Euphemism College Indentured Nursing Servitude Program on left shoulder, white lab jacket with Euphemism College Indentured Nursing Servitude Program on left shoulder, navy blue "Cherokee" brand scrub pants (for conformity's sake, that we might all match nicely one another), and white shoes, no clogs, no Crocs. Naturally all of the CNA's were wearing adorable multicolored scrubs and Crocs. Sigh. At least the pants are blue now and not white which was the requirement until just this term. Thank you, Student Nurse Association of Euphemism College, for successfully lobbying to change the pants color! "At least now we don't have to give you The Underwear Talk," says the program director.

I was compelled upon arrival to ask the kindly, if slightly amused, nursing staff for something with which to cover my one visible tattoo. "But why?" they asked, and I explained that we were told in no uncertain terms to cover our tattoos so as not to offend the largely elderly population we will be working with. They fairly shook with laughter as they found me a gauze pad and clear sticky thingy (which has a name but I forget what it is) for the offending body art. Then I had to ask for a bandaid to cover this weird thing on my inner elbow that I am fairly sure is ringworm.

Yes, ringworm.

I have placed a call to my doctor about it and await further instruction.

If it is indeed ringworm, then the only really plausible explanation for "why there, in such an odd place and not on your hand or scalp or something more typical" is that perhaps I picked it up from the cat at work. She loves me. She loves to sit on me. She loves to stick her wet little nose in the crook of my elbow and try to bury her head under my arm.

Great. Now I've got mange.

At any rate, once we were thoroughly scolded by our instructor for clinicals, who is frankly a bit of a prick, for any tardiness (past present future real or imagined) we were taken to the shift change meeting where the CNA's mostly ignored us. They go through this every three months so one can hardly blame them for failing to break out the brass band, but still, I felt leprous and untouchable for most of the morning. And not just because of my ringworm.

Once we were set free upon the unsuspecting populace, the CNA's loosened up a bit and even put us to a bit of work here and there. In my case, mostly to fetch linens or throw dirty ones in the hamper. But not icky soiled ones, so I'm fairly sure my CNA doesn't hate me. I also got to do exciting things like encourage a patient to eat and fill ice water cups for each patient. Whoopee. I'm paying big money and getting up at the butt crack of dawn for this privilege. (Not to denigrate the importance of caring for our elders, nor to look down upon the work of the CNA -- I just mean it's a bit anticlimactic when you have a shiny new important uniform and a badge that says, "Student Nurse.")

At any rate, as we get more comfortable we will be required to do more tasks, so next week my goal is to actually take the vital signs of two or more patients and perhaps even assist one or more of them out of bed, dress them, etc. Woot! Look out, here I come! I might even warm my hands up first!

Anyway, our instructor was laboring under the misconception that we had to be at library training at 12:30pm, a misconception that interestingly none of us felt the urge to correct him on, and we were out of there by noonish, at which time I sped into town to pick up the larger be-wheeled bag that my sister-in-law brought for me. She lives an hour out of town but happened to be in town for A Day of Beauty. I was also able to eat some lunch while sitting in my car listening to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on CD, (a pastime which I find soothing so stop calling me a dork behind my back. I'm looking at you Mel.) Then to the Euphemism College library for training by a truly marvelous reference librarian about the APA publication style which we will be using for our paper this term, and all terms henceforth forever and ever in perpetuity, and the mistakes that previous students made and which were noted in painful detail to her by the program director, that we might be instructed more carefully this term. She kept saying things like, "Why do they do it like this? Who cares. Just do it this way." I puffy hearted her by the end of the training. I wonder if there is some kind of nurse-librarian hybrid career?

After the training I and my cohort in crime, future roommate Michelle, hung about the library printing the reams and reams of stuff we need off of Blackboard. Another classmate who Michelle finds particularly irksome decided that he would print a powerpoint presentation from one of our classes, using the same shared printer as we were using. One slide per page. Forty nine slides. Oh, and here are some more powerpoints I need to print! The printer was so buggered up from this that I turned to him and said, "You can't seriously be printing these up in this format. It's like two hundred pages and each one is taking forever." At first he failed to see the error of his ways but the dirty looks that other users were giving him soon prompted him to cancel his print jobs, log off and bail from the library altogether, leaving one job still printing, which we managed to get a staff member to cancel. I'm starting to understand why he gets on Michelle's One Remaining Nerve. He's without malice, but utter clueless.

So, I got home around 4:30pm having been gone some eleven hours, and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Now I must write up the various things from today which are due tomorrow by 11:30am (necessitating a trip to campus, grr) and study for the last module test of the week which is also due tomorrow. Only to begin again next week. Yay!

Wednesday afternoon

2008-01-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm so effing sore. Helga, my sadistic East German personal trainer, put me through my paces yesterday, and now I can barely lift my arms. Thanks, Helga! ...I'm only kidding; her name is Connie, so far as I know she is not East German, and she's totally nice. But she is tough, and I'm so sore! But I am already registered for the Livestrong Ride this year, the 70 miler, and the Danskin Triathlon registration opens in February. This time, I'm taking ~~hostages~~ friends with me!

Today I had class from 8:30-10:30am, then stayed after to take some module tests. I did well on two of them, a 95 and a 100, then not so good on the third one. They did tell us that we wouldn't always do well, that we should take it in stride, blah blah blah, but it is not in my nature to accept anything less than a nice, solid B. So when I got a whopping 75 percent on that module test today, well... it was like giving me a nice paper cut and pouring lemon juice in it.

I have one more to take, which I'd hoped to do today but ran out of time and/or motivation to do, after that soul-sucking, life-draining, hope-stealing 75 percent hit me upside the head like a smelly dead fish. So, I did some reading today and I'll take it on Friday.

An Update as to my Progress Through Life

2008-01-22T12:07:00.000-08:00

So it's Tuesday. Yesterday I spent lounging around sleeping in until 10am, courtesy of J. She came to see when I might like to get up (surely the finest way to be awakened, by someone gently inquiring how much longer one might wish to sleep) but when I pointed out that she had to leave pretty much right this minute for an appointment that she had forgotten about, she bolted out the door, so I had to get up then anyway.

Then I speed cleaned strategic parts of the house. My classmate/future roommate Michelle was coming over for a study session and although she will soon know exactly what kind of pigs we are, one does still like to try to make a good first impression. Actually I was more concerned about Pavel, another classmate, who was possibly also coming over. Being as we are female here, we don't often lift the toilet seat, and I know from gruesome experience that often things are just Not Right on the backside of the seat even if the rest of the toilet looks reasonably clean. So, I cleaned the hall bathroom and the bunny cage and part of the kitchen and I vacuumed and the list goes on and on. So, at least the house is kind of not oppressively horrifying.

Then Michelle came over, met the household, admired the bunnies, ogled the chickens, etc. We studied, after a fashion... I was interrupted literally almost every five minutes at times by one thing or another, usually child-related. Still, we slogged through the material for one of the modules in good time and will meet again on Wednesday after class, at school, with Pavel, with the objective of studying for and then taking the three (!!!) module tests that are due this week.

Today was class day, health assessment, we covered skin, hair and nails, the Braden pressure sore risk scale, that sort of carefree pursuit. I wanted very badly to nip into the testing center to knock out one of the module tests but the teacher ran overtime. She always does. And I had to leave as soon as we finally DID finish, in order to make it to the gym for a personal trainer appointment. So I was a bit cheesed about the time crunch.

Xenu questions

2008-01-21T18:38:00.000-08:00

These are the weird Scientology questions that have been circulating, thought I'd take a crack at 'em.

"The internal church document was developed by Scientology founder and onetime science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard for use during "auditing" sessions—you know, the ones designed to identify your trapped "thetans."

The "thetans," or alien ghosts, were implanted in Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago by the evil intergalactic ruler Xenu, until the nasty buggers escaped and invaded the bodies of each and every one of us. New recruits like Katie Holmes, or "preclears," answer the questions while hooked up to an E-meter—a crude, polygraph-like contraption—as a Church-sanctioned auditor records the subject's responses for further expensive inquiry. Radar excerpted the best of the list's 343 questions. Here's a verbatim sampling."

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
I have a drawer full of squirrels and I make them knit me socks, because I can't stand to wear the same socks twice. There, I finally confessed. I feel so much better.

• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
Yes, just to hear it scream.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Countless times. Mom said that I am not allowed to kill the wrong person anymore.

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Wanted to? Yes. Actually did it? No, because they are so damn slippery. Next time I'm getting some tongs.

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
I was personally responsible for the downfall of New Coke. Let the truth be known.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Before the squirrels, I had mice, but their paws were so small that they took bloody ages to knit the socks, so I had to, er, "find them a new home" so I could move the squirrels in.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Yes, first I tried "Chester," then "Melvin," and finally "Festus," but against all odds it managed to evade my efforts.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Oh, thousands of times. And then I stopped wearing the clown shoes and the thong underpants and it was a lot better after that.

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
It wasn't easy, but using only a rubber band, a microwave oven, and a spam email generator, I finally got 'er done.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
You'd have thought she was dead, but no. (And: eeeuw!)

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
There were no witnesses, and you can't prove a thing. No further comment, me hearties.

• Have you ever been a pimp?
No, I've never had much interest in practicing law.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?
I can quit anytime I like. It is an acquired taste.

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
I like to sing in the car, and each song I desecrate dies a sad and horrible death.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Mmmmm.... species.... *drool*

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
No, I haven't yet managed to attain pro status, I'm still just an amateur.

• Have you given robots a bad name?
Quite the contrary. My robots are wonderfully named. Here, meet Sebastian, Leonardo, and Benedict.

• Have you ever set a booby trap?
I rarely have to trap my boobies. They are generally right where I left them.

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
"Rescue," that's so codependent. I prefer to give him the tools to rescue himself.

• Have you driven anyone insane?
Why drive, when it's such a short walk? (Ba dum bum)

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Who wants to know? You look kind of wrong to me. Hold still, I'm just going to the wall safe to get my, uh, newspaper.

• Is anybody looking for you?
Why, who's been calling? *shifty eyes* Uh, I have to run to the store for some, uh, graham crackers. Back later. *squealling tires*

• Have you ever set a poor example?
No, except for that one time when I voted for Bush.

(...Okay, bear in mind that this is humor, I never voted for Bush. Some things are just not funny! My bad!)

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Didn't we all?

• Are you in hiding?
I told you never to call me here!

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Usually I'm unsystematic, which throws them off the trail. That and my tinfoil hat.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
I don't need to practice anymore, I am quite proficient.

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Only a few times. It took forever to get the bloodstains out of the carpet, so I don't make that mistake anymore.

• Have you ever gone crazy?
Why, who have you been talking to? *shifty eyes again* Don't listen to the TV people, they totally lie.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
It's pretty evident to anyone who cares to look.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
We haven't had one in a while, so no.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?
I smothered a new baby potato in gravy once. It was totally asking for it.

• Do you deserve to have any friends?
If you have to ask, then no, you cannot be my friend.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?
Actually, yes. I assisted at the castration of my cat. (True story!)

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Resistance is futile!

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Not so far. Is this the best you can do?

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Every time I pass a WalMart.

• Have you ever zapped anyone?
How did I know it was loaded? Sheesh.

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Don't ask, don't tell. :)

Nursing School Update!

2008-01-18T16:35:00.000-08:00

Well, we Euphemism College student nurses have successfully negotiated two WHOLE weeks of nursing school. I have turned in two assignments (no grades back yet) and completed a "practice test" (to get us used to using the testing center and taking zillions of multiple-guess tests, presumably) and my first real! actual! test! I was nervous going into it but evidently I sucked it up enough to think reasonably clearly. The good thing is that you get your score immediately; the bad thing is that it doesn't tell you which ones you got wrong. Um, hey now, how am I supposed to learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they are?! Anyways, I got a 95 percent. :) Yay me!

My goal here is not perfect scores, or even A's. As they say, "B's get degrees." Certainly I will shoot for A's, because it is in my nature to do so, but realistically, it may not happen. So I decided to really shoot for perfect attendance. Barring catastrophic illness, it should be possible.

Yesterday we toured the facility where we'll be doing our clinicals, and so we got to troop around in our lab coats feeling all student-nursey. My particular group is going to be at a skilled nursing center which is an offshoot to a Governmental Hospital (mentioned more fully in this post, which I discovered I had forgotten to post but merely saved as a draft, so there it is at last) so we'll be working with mostly men of a certain age. Next Thursday we'll have to show up there at (cringe) 5:45 IN THE MORNING, wearing our uniforms and being all eager and stuff. Gah.

The Highly Recommended Rolling Backpack has indeed been an essential part of my not becoming a hunchback, and just yesterday I got to buy a fancy clipboard for clinicals which I can keep my Important Student Nurse Papers in. Mostly just assessment forms and stuff like that, but still! A neat clipboard that opens up! And has a place for your pen! But mine's a frosty purple and white instead of boring gray like that one in the link. I took Delia with me to pick it out and she chose purple over blue.

In other news, my classmate who plays World of Warcraft (on a different server, and she plays ALLY! EEEUW!) is probably going to crash with us for a couple of months. It could be quite cool. Hopefully it will at least not suck. :)

At Least He's Decorative

2008-01-15T17:05:00.000-08:00

.... if he can't be smart.

Our cat Ringo, the fluffy white and gray doofus cat, likes to leap up onto the bed and throw himself down in the center of it when he sees that we are about to make it up. This is what we call "being helpful." As in, "That Ringo, he sure is 'being helpful' tonight." (roll eyes)

Tonight we performed the blanket toss with him on one of the blankets on the bed. You know, where one person grabs two corners of the blanket and the other grabs the other two corners (assuming that your blanket has four corners, as most do I suppose, but one can't be specific enough in this global community), and you fling the blanket up in the air on the count of three, and whomever is on the blanket (in this case, young Ringo) is thrown up in the air in an exhilarating fashion.

Generally, a cat who has prior experience with the blanket toss will make itself scarce if threatened with it a second time, or even with just a second toss. Not so our Ringo! We tossed him ceiling-ward several times and although he looked slightly peevish, he stayed put on the blanket despite having every opportunity to escape. He figured out how to attach himself with his claws on the first toss and thereafter used this to limit his trajectory.

Say what you will about his intelligence (or lack thereof), he is at least a good sport.

Tired of Eating Boiled Walrus????

2008-01-15T12:56:00.000-08:00

Then try a recipe from the University of Alaska Cooperative Extension Service's pamphlet, "Walrus in the Cooking Pot."

My friend Elizabeth sent me this when she was living in Nome (where we visited for New Year's 2004, when I was pregnant) and I have actually made one of the recipes, "Walrus Meat Loaf", although owing to the scarcity of walrus meat in our local supermarket I substituted the more pedestrian ground beef. It's quite good, hardly tastes like walrus at all really...

I was lunching at school today, having some leftover Walrus Loaf from last night, and a classmate passing by told me that it smelled good. I told her I'd bring her a copy of the recipe booklet so I decided to share the cover of it, at least, with you all as well. Enjoy!

Army Nurses

2008-01-15T12:49:00.000-08:00

So on Monday the Army plied us nursing students with pizza and sodas, for which we paid by viewing a powerpoint presentation as we ate. Ah, the glories of the military life!

I don't doubt that there are many opportunities one might enjoy in being an Army nurse, but until they start offering domestic partner benefits, I'll stay in the private sector, thank you.

At any rate, it got me to thinking about my own glory days. And so I give to you this tiny memento of my brief, yet illustrious Army career. I am all of 18 years old in this photo, and washed out of basic not too far before graduation because my feet, which are as discussed previously in this blog not actual weight bearing structures, began to trouble me. They had never before bothered me but what with the Army's delightful boots, by about week 8 I could hardly walk. I was sent home in a blaze of anonymity, never to darken the Army's doorstep again.

It's time

2008-01-15T06:44:00.002-08:00

To come clean to the few non Multiply friends I have...

A while back I started using Multiply to blog. I was sucked in by a longtime blog friend and now that I'm there, I'm hooked. The problem is that when I imported my existing blog from blogger, it came in all scrambled date-wise and that really annoyed me. So I can't let go of my old blog, yet I only keep it hanging around for sentimental reasons.

So, old blog pals, come on over to my new site! I'll continue to cross-post but I notice that pictures aren't enlargeable if you click on them with cross-posting, and links don't always work. So come on down for the real deal!

Scritchy has LEFT THE BUILDING!

2008-01-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

So this morning I took off early and went and sat in Starbucks and read textbooks (like reading for enjoyment, except not enjoyable in any way whatsoever) and after a bit I checked my phone -- saw someone called from home -- called back and talked to my brother-in-law who is kinda camping out with us for a bit, and he told me HE CAUGHT THE RAT! He'd fashioned some kind of humane trap from a paint stir-stick, a kitty-litter bucket, a big chunk of 2x8 lumber, and some tasty peanut butter. Evidently the idea was that the rat would climb into the bucket to get at the peanut butter which was smeared on the stick and somehow that would release the big board which would then come down on top of the bucket and cover it up. And it worked! With no harm to Scritchy!

Sure enough, I got home and we trooped out to the garage and there was Scritchy, very unhappily ensconced in a kitty-litter bucket. We tried to get a picture but he kept randomly leaping upward at us and going "SQUEEK!" which freaked me out so I gave it up. I'd rather we got him the heck outta my garage safely without a picture than keep trying to get the pic and end up accidentally letting him go free. Although maybe he would have been so traumatized that he would have left for good... At any rate, it's all academic now as at the very moment he is being released at a big swampy park a few blocks away, hopefully never to return.

Naturally, it started raining like mad as soon as Doug left to release the rat, so I'm sure they are both dampened. What price freedom, even for a rat!

Tornado!

2008-01-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we live in a part of the country that is not prone to tornados. Every few years there is a small one that doesn't cause any damage.

Yesterday, though, we had a Real! Actual! Tornado! It even demolished a mobile home! In the time honored tradition of tornados worldwide! And tore the roof off a KFC, and some other stuff, but thankfully no one was injured.

I was at school and the tornado passed a bit to the north of us there, we saw the lightning and heard the thunder and the rain just dumped everywhere, but we didn't know it was a Real! Actual! Tornado! until our program director stopped by the skills lab to let us know.

Yep, we'll be talking about that Real! Actual! Mobile-Home-Destroying! Tornado! down t' the general store for a right smart time to come, by cracky!

Argh

2008-01-09T16:15:00.000-08:00

So now I'm in the office working on school stuff (that's code for "wasting time blogging") and I keep having to shove Wilbur, the small black cat, off the desk. She's quite tricky, waits until I start to think, "Ah, she's forgotten about me and is off bugging the crap out of someone else," and then she STRIKES LIKE THE COBRA! It's worse if I've recently eaten toast and have neglected to take my plate to the kitchen. I have never met a cat more drawn to toast crumbs.

This afternoon I took the small fry to the library for a bit of fun, knowing as I do that I won't have much time to do such things in the near future. I'm sad thinking about how much time I won't be spending with her in the coming months.

But! To make up for it, okay more like to have something super cool to look forward to at the end of summer, I am in the preliminary planning stages for a fabulous trip to Disneyland in September!

I mentioned to my brother and sister-in-law that I would like to take Delia there soon, despite my better half's objections that it would be better to wait until she's 6 or 7. I say, take her now and then take her again when she's 6 or 7 or whatever. She'll have a ball no matter what. So anyway when I mentioned that, my SIL said, we're overdue for a trip to Disneyland, let me know when you're thinking of doing it and we can all do it together. I made that call yesterday, out of nowhere I just decided to do it, and today we started discussing various game plans and preferences. So far it looks as if we will drive down, soon after Labor Day most likely, and there is a possibility that we might stay at BetterHotelChain because my nephew works there and can get us cheap rooms. We will stay for five full days, if not longer.

I have not been to Disneyland in over ten years, J has not been since she was about Delia's age (3ish), and of course Delia has never been. I'm terribly excited. :)

So, now to hit the books. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Day Two in the life of a nursing student

2008-01-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was the long-anticipated First Day of Nursing School. I barely slept a wink the night before, so anxious was I. I had spent Sunday cleaning the office out, (which involved about five hours worth of long overdue filing and where I now sit in very tidy and studious splendor), and failed to get to bed at much of a decent hour, what with all that World of Warcraft I had to play to quell my anxiety.

Anyway, yesterday morning I headed up to Euphemism College's building on the campus of Hyperbole University, a shiny new campus with shiny new buildings and shiny new Extremely Cold Weather up there on its little hill above Bedroom Community. I parked using my spanky parking pass, hiked across campus pulling my Highly Recommended Rolling Backpack, and settled into a spot outside the classroom to read a bit before going in at the appointed hour. Around me I recognized several other students from the orientation (or, as I like to think of it, The Butt-Numbing Marathon of Confusion) last month, all trying to read our incomprehensible text, and all struggling along at roughly the same page I had given up on myself. This made me feel much better.

Class was more like another orientation, this time introducing us to The Module System of Learning, by which they mean things like Now That You are Adult College Students You Must Be Self Directed, and Here is the Testing Center Where You Are Forbidden To Speak Or Ingest Anything, and If You Cheat We Will Banish You to a Special Circle of Hell in Which You Will Flip Burgers For All Eternity And So Will Your Children, Forever And Ever Amen. Then we were made to review endless reams of Course Outlines, Syllabi, and Modules. Oh my. We are very nearly assimilated, I think. Resistance is futile.

We then had an hour off to get some dinner, the very limited cafe having closed inexplicably at 3pm, after which we had to come back for another class. I spent my break eating Drive-Thru Crap In A Sack and listening to a Harry Potter book-on-cd in the car. Once again we were further Oriented, more documents were reviewed in extreme detail, and the instructor very kindly let us out a bit early after telling us we all were "looking a bit crispy."

I went home, avoided anything that smacked of schoolwork, and again could not sleep.

Today I went to the first session of yet another class, became yet further Oriented, and made the acquaintance of a classmate whom I witnessed playing World of Warcraft on her laptop on the break the night before. Hallelujah. Let there be gaming.

After a bit of a nap today, I trotted on down to the Euphemism College Seriously Overpriced Campus Monopoly Bookstore and purchased what surely must be the world's ugliest tote bag, which comes filled with supplies for use in the Skills Lab and therefore costs ninety bucks. We have been warned time and again that we are NOT to open any of the supplies until bidden to do so in class, and furthermore that Supplies Are Not For Use On Any Living Human, and are for Practice Use on Manikins Only. Therefore, I merely fondled the packaging and did not open my Foley Catheter Tray or any of my various and sundry Syringes.

Tomorrow we learn how to draw up medications from ampules and vials, which we must do with at least 80 percent accuracy. (Does anybody else find that a bit scary?) Thursday we will orient further, I imagine with three more hours of informative presentations about our clinical placements (where we will trail along after others trying not to look like student nurses) and then we will spend the afternoon practicing our CNA skills on the hapless manikins in the skills lab. Good times!

More about Todd

2008-01-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

I still cross-post to my original blog site on blogspot, and today I got a comment about the post I made about my Christmas tree, which ended with a memory of my friend Todd.
Maria said...: I found your blog today when I was doing a web search for Todd. We were friends in high school and though we lost touch, I'd wondered about him so often over the years. I then heard the terrible news about his loss when his body was found.

Yep, everything you say of him was true. Funny, talented, and so much more.

Just wanted to say it was nice to hear another memory of him.
I wanted to add that once a year or two after his disappearance, I was talking about him to a mutual friend, another gay man named Bart. I had had a dream that I was in Las Vegas, someplace I have never been in real life, and I was at some kind of conference or seminar or something with a group of people, like co-workers. We were walking across the hotel parking lot in the very early morning -- it was very vivid, this dream -- to a white van that we were going to get into to drive to wherever it was we were going, and here walking toward me, grinning and bright eyed and big as life, came Todd. He was wearing his jean jacket and looked just fine, as good as I'd ever seen him. I said to him, "Todd! What are you doing here? Everybody thinks you're dead!" And he said very animatedly, "Oh, I'm not dead! I'm in Las Vegas!"

When I told Bart about this dream, he got a very odd look on his face and told me that he had also dreamed that Todd was someplace hot and sandy.

Now I am pretty sure that when drag queens die, they go to that Great Vegas in the Sky.

New Year's Eve

2008-01-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

We went to the zoo on New Year's Eve. We typically don't really do anything special for New Year's Eve since we don't really drink much and aren't the partygoing type. Usually we stay home and watch a movie or something like that. But, this year we thought, oh what the heck, let's splurge. Let's wander around a mostly closed zoo in frigid weather.

First we went to Delia's favorite restaurant, Red Womster. We went there last Mother's Day with J's family and Delia became enamored of the big tank of doomed lobsters in the lobby, and since then it has been the watermark for fine dining. "We're going to a restaurant for dinner tonight," we'd tell her. "Is it RED WOMSTER?!" she'd yell with the type of enthusiasm most people reserve for topics such as DISNEYLAND or maybe MILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY PRIZE. "No," we'd say, "it's the Mexican one with the big bell." (This is a local place located in an old church, not Taco Bell, though we do go there from time to time. Okay, a lot. It's cheap and she likes burritos! Gah!) "Oh," she'd say, somewhat crestfallen. She couldn't be completely bummed since she does love the Mexican place too, but RED WOMSTER is clearly the paragon of restauranty perfection in her book. Such is her deep, enduring love for it that my mother made her some flannel pajamas with lobsters all over them for her birthday. (Who makes lobster print flannel, and why? Lordy.)

Anyway, after a fine meal, and some obligatory lobster-gazing, we headed off to the zoo, which features a sort of festival of lights this time of year. We had bundled up fairly well and were prepared for the sticker shock of spending probably twenty five bucks to walk around looking at essentially a bazillion LED lights strung all over. However once we got to the zoo we discovered a couple of surprises: first, that we'd each neglected a crucial area of bundling, (more on that in a moment) and second, that entry to the zoo was completely free! We had only to pay for the train ride, a total of $4.50 for all three of us. Now, if there is anything that I do love, it is an unexpected bargain, or as we call it (loving it as we do, we have a name for it) the secret sale. Having paid our tiny train fare, we bounded joyously into the park, prepared to enjoy every cent of our good fortune. Okay, most it was just me that bounded. Okay, I walked, but with a bounce in my step and a wiggle in my walk. Or something.

Once inside, we strolled around with reckless abandon. My, it was chilly. Oh dear, and a bit breezy. Glad I brought gloves.

Sadly, I do not have photos of what to me was one of the two surprise highlights of the trip (besides the secret sale!). While much of the park was off-limits, entry was permitted to a few of the animal exhibits, among them the penguin house. The viewing area was dimly lit so that we could see our way around, but the actual penguin living space was not, so it was quite dark in there. When we entered, I saw people holding their cellphones up to the glass, which attracted the penguins. Lucky for me, while my cellphone is quite antiquated and hardly has a lighted display of any kind, I do have a tiny keychain LED light, which I then shined up against the glass, and huge numbers of penguins, (okay, maybe four or five), immediately swam up to the light. And followed it when I moved it around, like goldfish in a tank at the pet store when they think you're going to feed them. It was extremely cool and I wanted to stay there all night, but eventually I had to bid them a fond adieu and move on.

We ambled around, shared an elephant ear, that sort of thing, then headed over to the train just in time to meet up with our good friends Karen and John, and their offspring Baby Katie, which was Surprise No. 2. I mean meeting up with them. (Baby Katie was indeed a lovely surprise, but that was over a year ago.) There are two trains that run the loop, one a tiny diesel engine and one a miniature steam engine, and we were fortunate enough to get on the steam engine one. (But not fortunate to get into a car with solid sides. More on that in a moment.) By now it was fully dark, and it was pure fun to chuff-chuff-chuff around the the park looking at the multitudes of lights and waving to the other park-goers.

About the solid-side vs. non-solid-side issue: the doors on our tiny train car were slatted, permitting the icy wind to frolic hither and yon through and among our collected buttcheeks, plastered as they were onto hard uninsulated fiberglass seats, revealing the crucial area of bundling neglect. Note to self: next year wear some long-johns. Delia and Katie were spared as they sat in our laps, but I know I wasn't the only adult that walked away with an ass like a solid block of bifurcated ice.

Once we wrapped up the train ride, we were sufficiently chilled to want to go home, so we said our goodbyes and Happy-New-Years and off we went. Once Delia was in bed, we fired up "Pirates of the Caribbean 3" and I shivered on the couch under two blankets. We turned on the gas fireplace and before too long, J's brother was sitting at the opposite end of the dining room, barely able to see the TV, unable to take the heat. I was still cold but consented to turning off the fireplace and opening the door for a minute or two to bring the temperature back to merely tropical.

At midnight we toasted one another, watched a few fireworks out the windows, and shuffled off to bed.

Here's to 2008. Happiness and prosperity to you all, and especially good health and well being. :)

Tell me ALL about yourselves!

2007-12-30T08:41:00.000-08:00

(Hypnotism voice, swinging gold pocket watch in front of you:) You know you want to tell me aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall about yourselves...

1.)Q. Can you cook?
A.

2.)Q. What was your dream growing up?
A.

3.)Q. What talent do you wish you had?
A.

4.)Q. If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.

5.)Q. Favorite vegetable?
A.

6.)Q. What was the last book you read?
A.

7.)Q. What zodiac sign are you ?
A

8.)Q. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
A.

9.)Q. Worst Habit?
A.

10.)Q. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.

11.)Q. What is your favorite sport?
A

12.)Q. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A.

13. )Q. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.

14.)Q. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.

15.)Q. Tell me one weird fact about you.
A

16.)Q. Do you have any pets?
A.

17.)Q. What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.

18.)Q. What was your first impression of me?
A.

19.)Q. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.

20.)Q. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.

21.)Q. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A

22.)Q. What color eyes do you have?
A.

Q. Ever been arrested?
A.

24.)Q. Bottle or can soda?
A.

25.)Q. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
A.

26.)Q. If you could write a book what would it be?
A.

Q. What 's your favorite place to hang at?
A.

28.)Q. Do you believe in ghosts?
A.

29.)Q. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.

30.)Q. Do you swear a lot?
A.

31.)Q. Biggest pet peeve?
A.

32.)Q. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.

33.)Q. Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.

34.)Q. If you could spend 12 hours with me and ask/do anything you like, what would it be?
A.

35)Q. Do you believe in God?
A.

36.)Q. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.

Merry Christmas to All

2007-12-25T18:01:00.000-08:00

It is over now. At last. And I'm not sure that it is just because I have so much to do before school starts (and ZOMG AFTER SCHOOL STARTS AHHHHHH) but I'm ready to take the tree down tomorrow. I won't, but I may spend New Year's Eve Day doing so.

Santa visited, with respectable results. Delia got many gifts and very satisfyingly played for a long time with the Playmobil My Takealong Farm that was her main gift from us. I mean Santa. She went to bed with her stuffed tiger and leopard and triceratops toys.

My mom got her about a bazillion gifts, from clothes to toys to little odds and ends. I have always felt a very strong gratitude, like an awe really, that she is so well loved not just by me but by others, friends and family.

I myself scored a few nice things, from a pearly grey fleece zip-up to a stethoscope to some cash and a few gift cards. Also a sudoku and a mah-johngg game for the Palm. J and I set a limit so we wouldn't spend outrageous amounts of money so it worked out well.

I went out ages ago, just after Thanksgiving I would say, and got J a steelhead rod and reel. Her brother was visiting us and we sneaked out (Delia in tow) and got it while J was sleeping in one morning. He's been here again since last Wednesday or so and it's been really hard not to give her the rod early because they went fishing a couple of times. But then there wouldn't have been as much for her to open Christmas morning and I would have felt bad. The wait was worth it, she was very surprised and pleased to have her own rig and she and her brother took it out today and fished again. No luck bringing home a fish but they went and got her a few of the bits and pieces of this and that to put in her tackle box, and sat around tonight tying leaders on these gigantic red hooks -- I've only ever fished for trout so I'm used to little weensy hooks, and these things look like you bring Moby Dick in with 'em by comparison.

I took Little Miss Exhausted out with me to the college bookstore today and got the three reference materials for which I bought my Palm: Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary, Davis's Drug Guide for Nurses, and Mosby's Diagnostic and Laboratory Test Reference. Let me just say right here how amazed I am, that in about a half hour's time I used three skinny little cd's to load three whole books worth of information on something that will fit in a cargo pocket. I'm not that easily amazed by technology anymore (such the jaded geek! not!) but it blew my mind that this is possible. The super bonus was that one of the items came with a free prize, a little game called Shuffle. You know, because I don't have enough ways to procrastinate. Anyway this will eliminate the need to carry all those books with me to my clinicals, and find a place to put them, and have to run back and check them, etc. Yay!

Just in case any of you are wondering: didn't hear from my Dad. Other than the Holiday Pic, that is. Which did not contain any personal greetings. To be fair, I didn't call him either. Why, WHY do I feel a pang of guilt about this? Do you think I should call him? GAH!

Scritchy

2007-12-25T17:53:00.000-08:00

Christmas, HO! (caution: smarminess ensueth)

2007-12-24T04:44:00.000-08:00

This afternoon we head to my Mom's for the first of the Christmas Trifecta of Gatherings. I'll be starting on chowder shortly to take with us, then we will pack up the goods and drive the hour or so to get there. We exchange and open gifts there with my Mom and stepdad, my brother and sister-in-law and their four boys. It's a lot of fun.

We'll return tonight, then of course Santa will visit tonight in the wee hours so that in the morning gifts can be opened. This is the first year of real anticipation for Delia so I'm really looking forward to seeing her reaction when she comes out to see the stuff Santa brought.

Then in the early afternoon we go to J's parents' house for the end of the festivities. We exchange more presents with her family -- six kids under the age of 8 will be racing around like little maniacs, gift wrap will literally be flying through the air, and with any luck there will be only minor drama.

So, we'll be opening gifts in three shifts. Delia will be all burned out by the end of it. I bought her waaaaaaay too many presents... It's just so hard to stop once you start! And when things are stressful I just cling tighter to all the people who mean so much to me. Sometimes that comes out in the form of gifts. :) Don't question it, just enjoy it, people...

I find myself lately being more and more overty grateful for the everyday things that I have and enjoy. It's distracting and sometimes makes me all weepy. I hope you all have the same problem.

Christmas Pageantry

2007-12-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

Today I loaded up the small fry and hauled her off to church. My attendance has been spotty lately with the usual One Thing, or sometimes Another, but I felt pretty strongly that I should at least make an appearance today. As a courtesy.

In a departure from the usual homespun staged performance (ours is a small church without a lot of technical gadgetry, no video displays or fancy lighting etc.) they opted this year for a Pickup Pageant. Meaning, the bare bones of the cast was in place and this morning the pastor made a call for the speaking parts: Animal 1, Animal 2, Cow, Sheep, Angel 1, etc. The Voice of God part (shortened to "V of G" in the script) was passed around among the congregation to narrate different bits of the service.

I stepped forward and offered to co-Sheep with Delia, so she was bedecked in a sheep costume (of which I wore the hat with ears while speaking my part) and we huddled at the front of the church with the others. (When we got up there Delia looked around at the doll in the manger and said, “It’s all about Jesus today huh Mama?” We’re not super Jesusy people, nor is it a super “Jesus is my best friend” type church, so I found this to be rather amusing.) It was really very fun, with lots of overt coaching by the pastor and choir director, and everyone seemed charmed by the whole thing. I think it might be my favorite pageant so far.

The Long-Awaited Santa Photo, plus Bonus Redneck Xmas Pic!!

2007-12-21T02:54:00.000-08:00

Without further ado may I present to you, my beloved and long-suffering internets:

Delia on Santa's lap! She's not dressed in Holiday Finery (tm) because this was totally impromptu, but that smile is genuine. She had just told him all about her Christmas list and without too much coaxing permitted a photo op for her adoring fans. Ah, how she loves the paparazzi! And how the camera loves her!

And since I had the scanner all limbered up and ready, I went ahead and captured the seasonal greetings of that elusive species, The Common Redneck.
Note the RV Wear (tm) holiday-themed sweater plumage of the female, the western-style shirt adorning the male, and of course the male's majestic Santa Hat crest, seen only in the month of December. They stand proudly before their oversized vehicle, used for migration toward the nesting sites of only the female, as this is a matriarchal species in which the male's lineage is jettisoned once the couple has bonded. Theoretically this species mates for life, although this often proves difficult for the male. Note the exhibition of the fifth-wheel trailer's pushouts, as well as the dual rear-wheels needed on the truck to haul this behemoth down the road. Happy trails, Common Rednecks! See you in a few years! Maybe!

It must be seen to be believed.

2007-12-18T17:42:00.000-08:00

My Dad sent the world's tackiest photo Christmas card.

It's a picture of him in a green Western style shirt with red plaid yoke and a Santa hat, his wife in one of those holiday themed sweaters (you know the ones I'm talking about). They are posing proudly with their pride and joy: a huge white pickup truck with rear duallies, hooked up to an enormous 5th wheel trailer which has all its pushouts pushed out.

This pretty much says all you need to know about my father and his wife.

Done and Done

2007-12-18T11:11:00.000-08:00

Mailed my last entry requirements to Euphemism College/Hyperbole University today. I had to send a state patrol check (basically a copy of my extensive rap sheet), proof of the incredibly painful MMR shot I had a couple weeks ago, and a signed statement from the Nursing program's Policies and Practices Handbook, wherein I agree to be a student nurse peon, refrain from mistreating my patients or divulging identifying information about them, and submit my portfolio in a timely manner or fail my classes. Whatever this portfolio is. One assumes that this will be made clear to one in due time.

I'm sure you're dying to know what's left. Well, having bought the enormous pile of books, obtained the required uniform, lab jacket, and shoulder patches, endured the several blood draws and vaccinations, submitted my fingerprints, jumped through the hoops and kissed the various assembled heinies, what could possibly be left? Just this: purchase shoes, and submit yet another set of fingerprints to Impossibly Large Governmental Hospital.

I'll actually be doing my actual clinicals at a smaller local manifestation of said Hospital, but they require a pilgrimage to the mother ship by way of introduction. They informed me of this via an email that implied that I would be doing my clinicals at ILGH, so to find out later that I must only visit there one time was an enormous relief. To submit my fingerprints (the FBI report already received by my school must just not be good enough for these folk) I must either park elsewhere and ride public transit up the big stupid hill that ILGH is perched atop, or else rely on kind friends to drop me off and pick me up. And also entertain my child whilst I am indisposed. A tremendous pain in the dark meat, to be sure, but at least it's only once. When I thought that I would be doing my weekly clinicals there, having therefore to drive half an hour into Metropolis, then park the car and jump on a bus and be there by SIX A.M., I was well and truly miffed. As it is, the Kinder Gentler Governmental Hospital is a scant 15 minutes away and there is parking in the general vicinity. Phew!

The shoe question is another story. Having been informed in no uncertain terms that Crocs or Croc-oid shoes are Unacceptable In Every Conceivable Way, I am now obliged to go out and try shoes on. These approved shoes must be white, can be athletic shoes, and must have a closed toe and an enclosed heel. No straps. Never mind that fully fifty percent of the health care workers I see on the job are wearing colorful Crocs of all sorts. We, as nursing students, may not wear them. And I am loath to bring my malformed, unsuitable, non-weight-bearing feet to the attention of anyone in a position to influence my school career, so I will not make any further issue of this, outside of incessantly bitching about it here on my blog and to anyone with ears outside of school.

And, has anyone tried to find white uniform shoes at an actual store? I tried on the one pair I found at the bookstore that looked halfway promising, but they were pinchy and horrible. If you have an insatiable curiosity about what my feet are shaped like, try this: sandwich your foot between two pieces of wax paper. Pound with a meat mallet or similar until your foot is shaped like that of a duck, goose, or other web-footed creature. Pay special attention to the arch area, whacking it sharply until it collapses completely. Now try and find shoes that are not narrow across the toes, can accomodate a full-foot orthotic, and aren't ugly. I defy you to do so. The shoes that fit and aren't ugly are along the lines of Keens and Crocs.

The Annual Christmas Photo

2007-12-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, so tonight after some resistance (the small one can put up a bit of a fight these days), we took a few pictures tonight and even ordered them up at Costco. I love Costco for photos. You order 'em off the internet and then go pick 'em up later, or even have them mailed but I'm too impatient for that. In fact, I'm going to go pick them up after Delia goes to bed tonight so I can do up the cards and mail them by Monday.

Without further ado, here are the two I had to choose from when all was said and done:

We ended up choosing the first one, although I like them both nearly equally. We are also sending out a close-up of her, one of the ones in the album here on multiply. The one of her at the park. Not so much the one of her being a fashion plate with the plaids and the stripes and the rubber boots...

Tree time (warning: sad at the end.)

2007-12-12T04:22:00.000-08:00

So we got the tree up Monday night and Tuesday morning Delia and I decorated it. It turned out pretty well I'd say.

My Mom made us a great tree skirt, it's a white fabric with little presents on it and she quilted it with red metallic thread and put gold rick-rack around the edge and it is just adorable.

I have highlighted a few items of interest on the tree:

First, the green rhinoceros. I bought this at a department store clearance sale when I was about 15 or 16. It's your standard shiny glass ornament but it's shaped like a rhinoceros and it's green. To me it's just not Christmas without the green rhinoceros.

Next, Wonder Woman. We bought her at a garage sale a few years back. I generally am not that fond of merchandising on my tree, i.e. no Mickey Mouse or Spongebob ornaments or whatever, but something about WW just cracks me up. Another exception to this is that we have a few ornaments featuring "Snoopy and that Wittle Pigeon," as Delia puts it. They are plastic, therefore durable, and Delia likes to play with them, so we keep them.

At the bottom is the tree skirt, which I know this is not the best picture of it but at least you see it in its natural habitat.

To the right at the bottom are some ornaments I've labeled "Todd's ornaments." Todd Asay was a friend of mine who disappeared one night in May of 1986. His stuff was still there in his apartment, his bank account intact.

They found Todd's skeletal remains years later, buried in a water-heater box under a shed in his killer's former yard. This was on Christmas Eve day in 1999. He'd been shot to death, maybe after the murderer discovered Todd wasn't a woman. (Tip to men picking up prostitutes: the ones you pick up around the gay clubs might not be women. Just FYI.) The only "good" news is that they did catch his killer. Unfortunately it was after he'd also murdered his estranged wife in a grocery store parking lot. I was at work with my latte and my paper and when I opened the paper, there was the article about Todd, all these years later.

He was a drag queen and a dancer at a female-impersonator club (Darcelle's, it's quite infamous hereabouts) and occasional prostitute. He was also a great guy, a sweet man, funny and smart. One year he and I made Christmas stockings and he made these ornaments out of the scraps. I still have my stocking. Delia plays with the ornaments. I'm not sure when, if, or what I'll tell her about Todd. He would have loved her. He should be here.

I think about him every year around this time, when I unpack the Christmas stuff. It makes the holidays rather bittersweet.

Student's Remorse

2007-12-11T16:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I worked really hard to get here. I'm about to enter nursing school. I took all the prereqs, got all the shots and tests done, submitted my fingerprints, etc. etc. Now, I'm starting to have some second thoughts...

Today I went to Euphemism College and paid my tuition. That was close to a thousand dollars. Then I went to the bookstore. Maybe I should have waited a day or two, for the shock to wear off.

First I tried on a lab coat. Mmmmm, all starched and white and professional... And on sale. Yay! Then I picked up some shoulder patches, because the handbook clearly states that we must sport one on the shoulder of our scrub top and our lab coat. So far so good. Now we move on to the textbooks.

Okay. Here's a couple I need... "Required".... "First year students take one of these pieces of paper up to the register." Okay.

"Brace yourself," said the cashier, "this might sting a bit."

SEVEN HUNDRED THIRTY FOUR DOLLARS AND EIGHT CENTS later, I leave feeling like that bear on the nature program, the one with the dart in its butt and a big NO.8 spraypainted on it and a radio collar around its neck. Dazedly I drive to the loading dock and wait for a chipper woman of a certain age to bring the hand truck. The hand truck with boxes of books. Plural. She cheerfully hefted them into my car while telling me that they used to pack it all in one BIG box and this way is much easier.

I give you, my beloved internets, a photo of today's haul. This is not including the three titles that I will get in pda format after my Palm arrives, which should be a couple more days.

The top book on the left and the top two on the right were the ones I got off the shelf; the rest are from the boxes. I guess this is why they recommend a rolling backpack, which we were told by the students we met at orientation was absolutely necessary. I have one that I bought off the interwob but I worry now that it's not going to be big enough...

The good news (if indeed there is any) is that we will not need to buy many more books in the next two years.

Next task: shoes... The ones I hoped would work from the bookstore are too narrow in the toes. I'd be cranky and exhausted by the end of the day on clinical days. Nobody needs that. So, I'll need to get some tennis shoes or something.

What is it with the lights?

2007-12-11T03:59:00.000-08:00

I'm putting the lights on the tree.

How is it that I put the perfectly-functioning lights away in January, all carefully coiled and in a protective box, where they remain untouched all year, and in December there is always at least one string that doesn't work? And where do all the extra tiny bulbs go? And why don't they fit, and why are they so hard to pull out?

This year I'm buying some LED lights if I can find them on clearance the day after Christmas.

I'm about two minutes away from being done with the lights but I'm weary of the scratchy needles on my arms and the lights that are burned out and the fact that I'm doing this by myself as always.

For Crying Out Loud

2007-12-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

So this evening my cousin calls me. Here is an open letter to my Dad in response to that call.

(Backstory: my Dad called me on my 40th birthday to tell me he was moving.)

Dear Dad,

Okay, fine, you're moving across country again (which you said you'd NEVER do). Fine, I can accept that. You got rid of your whole household of stuff by offering it to other people before mentioning it to your kids. Fine, fine. Now, evidently (since I'm hearing this second hand, I can only guess), you feel that your dog is reacting badly to all the disruption and you're worried that he won't do well on the cross-country drive, so rather than act like any normal person and maybe, oh, I don't know, talk to a veterinarian? Get some medication to calm the dog? -- you've decided that you might just have to dump the stupid dog off on Grandma. Not that she's offered to take him. Or anything like that.

Dad, she's 81 years old. She lives in a small trailer and travels a lot in a small motor home, she doesn't have a lot of room. She has a limited income. Are you going to pay for the dog's food and vet bills? I sincerely doubt you've even considered any of that. She already has a well-behaved dog that comes when it's called and doesn't pee on the rug every ten minutes. YOUR dog is obnoxious, poorly-behaved, runs away if it gets off leash, and has peed on my rug every single time it enters my home. It has bitten more than once and barks at everything that moves.

If you need to find it a home, maybe you grow a pair, get off your ass, and find a rescue operation or no-kill shelter that could find it a home? It might involve writing a check, but at least you wouldn't be sticking an old lady with the world's most irritating dog.

If you won't consider that, maybe you should think about how you treated Grandma's old dog. You were watching her while Grandma was gone someplace, and the dog (with its history of terrible abuse) freaked out, so rather than, oh, I don't know? Calling Grandma? Consulting a vet? -- you took the dog out on a walk that only you returned from. The kind that involves a gun and a shovel. I'm pretty sure that around here it's against the law to kill an animal without cause, but perhaps the laws there are different. If it had been my dog, you'd have faced charges. An animal that is suffering deserves a quiet, dignified death, not to be taken on a walk and shot by some asshole with a pistol in his pocket. The only consolation is that hopefully the dog never knew what hit her and was killed instantly, without pain.

And not even your super-annoying dog deserves that kind of fate. He's only being himself, as you raised him to be.

I used to only think of you as a thoughtless, self-centered jerk who usually kind of meant well. Now I'm not so sure.

So yeah, you might hear my name mentioned as one of the many family members who opposes this great idea you've had about abdicating responsibility for your dog, who by the way worships the ground you walk on. Probably you'll get all offended and use this as an excuse to avoid me. (Like you did when I was forced to ask you to stay somewhere else the night we brought the baby home from the hospital, because I knew that it would never occur to you that we might want some privacy that night.) At one point I might have declined to get involved because I didn't want to offend you, but, like my cousin, in fact like all my cousins, I'm just tired of how everything is about you.

I'm actually pretty glad you're moving back to Maryland. At least I won't have to feel obligated to drive up to see you, or put you up as you pass through town (usually on little or no notice), or grit my teeth and say it's okay when you miss another one of my daughter's birthdays. Like you missed all of them so far. (Three for three so far, Dad! Woo!)

IT SHIPPED!

2007-12-07T16:25:00.000-08:00

Just obsessively checked my email for about the tenth time tonight and found a message that my Palm TX just shipped! YAY!

I ordered it ages ago (okay, almost two weeks) and was notified that it was an "advanced sale" item and would ship later. Up to ten working days. Which was today. It did say that on the website but I've gotten so used to ordering and having stuff shipped immediately or within a day or two that this two week business was killing me. I kept re-reading the email as if somehow it would become clear how it was possible that I ordered something that wouldn't be shipped for weeks. Because this is America and it's the 21st Century and these kinds of things only happen to other people and not me.

But it shipped today via FedEx and eventually it will reach me! Perhaps Monday even! Or Tuesday!

Let us all celebrate! Next round's on me!

Feelin' Even More Saucy

2007-12-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

So The Best House Guest in the Whole Wide World has consented to do the legwork for me on Monday, when parking passes go on sale at Hyperbole University (where the nursing program at Euphemism College actually conducts its classes). This means getting up pretty darn early to drive out to campus and stand in line with bleary-eyed students from all walks of life. Must be early to get cheapest price! I cannot emphasize how much TBHGITWWW has completely saved my ass this past week or two.

Anyhow, in order to purchase my pass she must bring a copy of my schedule, thus demonstrating that I am a student of Hyperbole/Euphemism and therefore qualified to own one of their precious parking passes. I'm not sure why this matters so much since the campus sits high atop an otherwise unoccupied hill, far from anything else a person might want to park near, and parking everywhere else is free anyway out that far from civilization. But I digress.

So in order to print a copy of my schedule, it was necessary for me to log on to Online Services. Enter your student ID here, it says, and then your Global Pin. I dutifully did so (ever obedient as I am) only to be told in large, shocking letters that I had ENTERED AN INCORRECT STUDENT I.D. NUMBER AND/OR PIN.

Well, crap. Now what do I do? It's Friday night and the stupid offices are all closed until Monday morning. Why did I put this off until Friday night? Now I'll have to bring three dollars in exact change every single day and hope that the daily-pay lot doesn't fill up. Crap crap crap.

So, I did what anybody would do, I re-entered my allegedly incorrect information several more times just in case. Because, um, that works sometimes? Not really, but I was running out of options.

And then! I'm pretty sure Somebody Up There sensed my distress (and self-loathing) and gave me a little assist, because it occurred to me.. dimly... as if from long ago (roughly a week), that I had been issued, via email, a "registration pin." This extra-special gold-plated four-cornered pin is used only for (heavenly choral fanfare and spotlight on:) web registration.

Web registration. Web registration...

(wait for it, wait for it... )

Um... Maybe I can print my schedule off the web registration site?

ZOMG that's too easy.

So I fired up my email, retrieved the password, logged in and -- let me hear you sing it, sisters and brothers -- I printed up a copy of my schedule! I printed up TWO copies, just in case!

So now I'm feeling extra saucy. You all want to kiss me now and you don't know why, except I just told you. Now begone, shoo, you pesty internets. Leafff me to my thoughts, darlinks.

Random stuff

2007-12-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling all saucy because I went out and put up the Christmas lights yesterday. I love this time of year and I'm enjoying the anticipation of how much Delia will love getting up in the morning on Christmas day and seeing that Santa came through with the goods. We went to the mall again today (as it is where the closest library branch is) and she patiently waited to see Santa again. We have a great Santa at the mall, his beard is real and he is very smiley.

We have had The Best Houseguest in the World staying here intermittently and it's beginning to take its toll on Wilbur the Cat. While Mr. Ringo Fluffypants (he of the enormous poofitude) has consented to occasional contact, Wilbur remains in hiding when Elizabeth is in the house, making for some serious neediness after she leaves. Tonight Wilbur was downright affectionate and friendly at levels never seen before in captivity. Generally her (Wilbur is female, one of those "inexperienced veterinary students" things) idea of affection is to deign to allow you to occupy the space beneath her, but tonight there was purring, nuzzling, and even a small amount of drooling. Long live the Queen!

Photos at last

2007-12-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I haven't scanned the Santa picture, but I did retrieve a few things from the camera just now.

Here is my brother with his new Unimog (a 1963 Swiss 404, I'm told). I wanted a shot of the front end of it but the camera batteries had only one shot in them.

Here's a shot of the kids' table at Thanksgiving. Delia is the one in pink (on the left) scarfing jello.

Here's a shot of part of the mantel, taken in low light with no flash so it's kind of interesting.

The small framed photos are the ones we sent out in our Christmas cards in 2004 and 2005. I need to get a frame for last year's and put it up there too. The first year she was only about 6 months old and got freaked out sitting on the chair with no one holding onto her (I was just off camera ready to pounce if she tipped) so she wouldn't smile. We will take this year's as soon as the tree is up and decorated, so around next Tuesday or Wednesday probably.

More photos soon, I swear it!

Useless Blather

2007-12-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

Seems like there are things I want to blog but no time to blog them. This is probably not a bad thing, since a lot of it would be so much useless blather. Nonetheless, this is my blog and I can blather if I want to. Brace yourselves! You may want to put a good show on in the background so you have something to amuse yourselves with whilst trudging through this entry. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Went today to get the final vaccination needed for nursing school. Good heavens. The MMR shot is the worst ever! It stings me! While I was at it, I went ahead and got a flu shot. What the heck. As long as I am going to feel crappy, I might as well feel as crappy as possible and get it over with in one go.

We are putting up some Christmas deck-uh-way-shuns tonight, Delia and I. She is playing with the entire cast of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" stuffed animal collection (a total score at Costco a few years back) and singing carols (and interesting permutations thereof) under her breath, punctuating this occasionally with questions: "Can we go to the McDonalds?" "Mama, is it Christmas?" "Is this one Wudolph?" etc. I am decorating the piano and mantel for now; we get the tree on Sunday.

Okay, so we have perhaps the finest houseguest ever. Or one of the top five, surely. Elizabeth is back in town after a lengthy and enviable tour of England and the Continent, and while she is getting established she is available for some child-sitting and house-sitting duties. We have to be somewhere pretty early lately for occasional appointments, so she has graciously agreed to stay the night here and be with Delia in the mornings until we get back, for two such occasions this week. This solved the issue of "Who can we get to come to our house at 5:30 in the morning?" The possibilities for such a favor are remarkably few.

So all of this already makes her my current all time favorite person, but then when we returned today from the first of these appointments, we found that not only had she gotten Delia to and from preschool in one piece, dressed and breakfasted beforehand even, the house showed definite evidence of tidying. Like, significant evidence. Now the pressure is on to recreate this tidiness before she returns tomorrow afternoon....